Trusting Him

What to do...

2007-06-13T13:07:00.000-05:00

What do you do when music doesn't soothe your soul anymore? This is kind of a random question but one I've been aggravated with for about a week now. As many of you know I love music. I can play the air drums really well but as far as real instruments go, I am musically challenged. My music world was turned upside down when my car was broken into and all of my cd's were stolen. For a while it seemed that maybe that was a good thing. It helped me to purge my collection of stuff I didn't listen to. However, there were a lot of things that I like to keep around just for days like this past week.

This past week nothing seemed to soothe my soul. Normally I can pick a cd and throw it in and it fits my mood. No matter what I put in the cd player this week, within a few minutes of listening I was frustrated and not soothed. I tried everything from Nickelback to Linkin Park to Dave Barnes to Snow Patrol to Echoing Angels to random mixes and nothing seemed to put me at ease. And then today while flipping through the radio stations I heard a voice I knew well. Ray LaMontagne. His song "Trouble" playing so softly. Immediately I put his cd in, turned the volume up loud and just listened to the lyrics.

What is it about different kinds of music that puts our minds at ease? Is it the lyrics? Or the voice of the artist? Or is it the beat?

Happy Birthday

2007-06-07T13:07:00.000-05:00

Hey Laur,

Just wanted to wish you a Happy Birthday. I still miss you like crazy! I sometimes wonder what life would be like if you were still here. And sometimes I cry just wishing I could hear your voice.

Happy Birthday Beautiful!

I love ya kiddo

Love Steph

Sweetness...

2007-03-12T12:45:00.000-05:00

"My Auntie is funny!!"
"Me and my Josey"
"The amazing foot-eater!!"

Daddy and Daughter...

2007-03-12T12:37:00.000-05:00

"A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart."
~Author Unknown

2 years...

2007-03-02T12:03:00.000-06:00

Two years ago today I lost one of my best friends. A girl who knew me and loved me anyways. A girl who I grew up with. A girl who I could share silly stories with. A girl who was like a sister to me. A girl who I looked up to. A girl who was a great encourager who had a wonderful heart. A girl who's laugh will remain imprinted in my mind forever. A girl who's smile is unforgettable.

Laur,

I still miss you more than ever. I wish you were here. I don't understand but I do. I love you tremendously and always will.

Love Steph

99 posts and a Valentine's greeting

2007-02-15T11:58:00.000-06:00

According to blogger I've written 99 posts...interesting...this is lucky number 100...I think...haha...anyways...I've been out of commission for a few days/weeks...so many things have happened it's hard to keep track sometimes...After my birthday extravaganza...camp showed up the weekend of Feb 2nd...Philly and I drove up together after picking up the inflatables...it was good to be with him and talk and listen and talk and laugh...Camp went really well...we had a good size group and a good speaker. We also had enough time to just hang out and being so cold we did a lot of that indoors. Pudy and I got to go snowmobiling on Sunday...very cold and a little scary...and for anyone who didn't know...there is in fact open water on Lake Geneva even in negative degree weather...

This week started off with a sick little me...I had to stay home from work on Monday because of a horrendous cold...didn't get out of bed for close to 36 hrs...I'm back to feeling somewhat normal although I still have the lingering stuffiness...

I was looking back on last year's post from Valentine's Day and decided that I'd repost it. I know it's a day late but the message is still the same.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I would like to post something that I received from my mom on Valentine's Day of 1997. It was from a Max Lucado day calendar that she had.

"I hope you receive a rose or a special card from that special person today. If you didn't and don't expect to, remember that the one who loves you most has already sent you his very best!"

1 John 4:10 "This is what real love is: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us in sending his Son to be the way to take away our sins."

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day!!

Simply Perfect...

2007-01-29T12:55:00.000-06:00

In two words that is what my weekend was. Simply Perfect. Friday started out with me relaxing in bed, watching my Gilmore Girls and having my parents come in and wish me happy birthday. The most relaxing part of my day was going to Forbici Salon for my massage...which I will be doing more often. After that I came home and mom made me some wonderful pasta accompanied by my Nani's awesome meatballs!! I got ready to head out for the evening with Heather and Chris and their friend Andy. Saturday morning Heather and Andy made an awesome breakfast and I spent the day just hangin around watching movies and relaxing. I went home and got ready to go out with Vicki, Matt, Eric, and Heather...or so I thought. Vicki and Matt came to pick me up and we went to Bogie's in Mt. Prospect. We went upstairs to the bar area and then up another flight of stairs to where many of my friends surprised me!! I don't think you could have wiped the smile off of my face!

I was in pure shock. I ran around and gave hugs to everyone and just really couldn't believe it. As the night continued on, more people showed up and we drank and ate and laughed and talked and as I looked outside I noticed it had begun to snow. And I thought to myself...it's perfect. Simply perfect.

So this is a huge thank you to everyone involved with deceiving me and for throwing me an awesome birthday party!! You will never know how special you made me feel and you will never know how much I appreciate your time and effort!! Thank you Vicki, Matt, Eric, Heather, Chris, Andy, Jamie, Jen, Dee, Pat, Michelle, Nicole, Mishy, Josh, Andy, and everyone else that was there! I hope you all had as much fun as I did!!

Thank you all!!!!

Birthday Eve

2007-01-25T23:28:00.000-06:00

In just a mere 30 minutes (probably by the time I get done with this) it will be my birthday. In thinking about this post, I randomly thought of a bunch of stuff I could write about. I could write about all of the things that happened this past year good and bad, I could write about the many people I have encountered, I could write about the people and relationships that have been lost, I could write about the traveling I've done. But really I think I'm just going to let my fingers do the typing and not really think about what it is that I'm writing.

Almost 25 years ago I came into this great big world...holding that unborn baby in the palm of my hand on Monday really makes me wonder how I was able to make it this far or for that matter how any of us survives the world in which we live in. Over the years I have learned a lot. And everyday I learn something new. Whether it be at work or just in life. I'm learning to treasure the little moments in life. I'm trying to see the good in everything that comes my way (and sometimes that is very hard).

Since my dad became sick, I've gotten to hang out with him a lot more. I cherish the time we spend together even when we're just watching tv. On Wednesdays, I try to hang out with my mom (usually shopping) and I love getting to spend that time with her. I love that I can share pretty much anything with my parents and they don't judge me they just love me. I love the times that I get to hug my brother. No matter how old I get, he will always look out for me and he will always be my 2nd dad :) I love getting to spend time with my sister in law. We have really good conversations and I'm so thankful that she's in my life. I love reading with my niece. Yes, my niece is reading now. She's so smart for only being almost 5 months old!

I am blessed with the people I work with. We have such a different group of people and yet we're a family. Sure we may fight and yell and throw things at each other but most nights I walk out of work with a smile on my face.

I'm blessed with friends. I love my friends more than they will ever know. Each one of them is so unique and each one adds something to my life. Without them I would be very lost. I would also be incredibly bored :)

I wasn't looking forward to my birthday this year. In fact I was having some serious anxiety issues with it. I just have to keep reminding myself that God is in control and that His plan is soo much better than the one I had planned.

So goodbye 24, and hello 25...

13 weeks...

2007-01-23T03:51:00.000-06:00

This is an image of a 13 week old fetus from the Westside Pregnancy Resource Center. Why am I showing this? Because this was the hardest part of my night. Last night at work I received a phone call from a nurse requesting on behalf of a family that their un-born baby who did not survive an automobile accident be prepared for viewing. I can't imagine what this family was going through. At the end of the night I had to put the baby back into a container. Holding this little one in the palm of my hand, just made me think about how precious life is and how quickly it can be taken away. Make sure you tell someone that you love them today. Give someone a hug. Smile at someone. Make someone laugh. Enjoy every day that you live. Be thankful for every breath that you take.

A long weekend...

2007-01-02T00:18:00.000-06:00

This was the highlight of my weekend. I rented a "Full size SUV" for the weekend so that mom, dad and I would be comfortable on our way to and from Missouri. This is what they ended up giving me...A Charcoal 2007 Ford Expedition EL (extra-long) haha...As some of you may know I don't care for Fords too much...however, after driving this Bad girl around for the weekend I have taken a strange liking to this particular one. I would highly recommend getting one...but the gas mileage isn't great. 15 mpg highway... yeah...that part wasn't great at all. It was one of the most comfortable vehicles I have driven though. Even with the wind, rain, and mud, it got us to where we needed to be.

Christmas Club Jr.

2006-12-11T11:40:00.000-06:00

Saturday we had our annual Christmas Club Jr. It was good to get together and talk and laugh and laugh and laugh some more...I climbed the cat condo for the 2nd time and read The Christmas Story with antlers on while Heidi acted out the scenes. We exchanged ornaments and ate some snacks and drank some holiday beverages. And at the end of the night after hours of laughing I just smiled.

Last year was really hard. I was not in the Christmas spirit and really I don't think anyone was. And this year I'm getting my holiday cheer back. A friend asked me last night what I wanted for Christmas and I replied with "nothing. Just the company of friends." And really that's all I want for Christmas.

Hmmm....

2006-11-26T20:07:00.000-06:00

"You ever look at a picture of yourself and see a stranger in the background? It makes you wonder, how many strangers have pictures of you. How many moments of other peoples lives have we been in. Were we a part of someone's life when their dream came true? Or were we there when their dreams died? Did we keep trying to get in, as if we were somehow destined to be there? Or did the shock take us by surprise. Just think. You could be a big part of someone else's life. And not even know it." Quote from One Tree Hill

This was a quote I found from the show One Tree Hill. I wonder how many strangers have pictures of me...I know that some people from my class in California have a few. I wonder what they think when they see those pics...I for one did not take any although I wish I had. There was one person in particular that I spent some time with usually at the bar talking. One night, out of the blue, he asked me why I was so self-conscious. Stunned, I just looked at him. He totally caught me off guard. We spent the next 20 minutes dissecting me...how fun...but it got me to thinking that night...and I think about it now and then...

I got a chance to hang out with a friend the other night and we talked about life. And me...something I'm not so good at...but he went on to compliment me and tell me how I have so much to offer and that I'm a good person and to not settle. Settling is something that I tend to do...I'm not sure why...but I just do...it's also something that I'm trying not to do anymore. I deserve the best. I deserve to be loved and adored for the crazy girl that I am. I deserve to have someone who complements me well and who lets me be me. I won't settle. And if anyone sees me doing that...stop me!

Skating on Thick Ice

2006-11-19T23:20:00.000-06:00

Last night I got to go ice skating with a bunch of friends for Vicki's 22nd birthday. I think the drive there with 7 cars was the craziest caravan action that I've seen. Especially when we had to crack a u-turn....It's been a long time and I mean a long time since I've ice skated. After I put on my skates I headed into the rink area. I stepped out onto the ice and screamed... hhaha... Vicki (the expert skater) grabbed my hands and pulled me around until I was able to get my bearings...The whole thing was just fun. I got to catch up on life with Heather and Mishy and just hang out. I laughed and got excited when I spun around in a circle (unintentionally). I screamed...when Mishy let go and pushed me towards the wall where I almost fell over the side...The cool air on my face, the company of friends and hearing the laughs, screams and giggles was just cool. And the best part...I didn't fall once!!

After we left the rink, we headed back to Vicki and Matt's for some chill time and cake and pizza...It was good to hang out with everyone. It was good to see Dee and Pat and just talk with them. Amidst all the crazy things that are going on in my life, it was just good to relax and hang out...

Tears to Smiles...

2006-11-06T01:40:00.000-06:00

(http://forums.adventchildren.net/showthread.php?t=39345)

tear² (tîr)

1. A drop of the clear salty liquid that is secreted by the lachrymal gland of the eye to lubricate the surface between the eyeball and eyelid and to wash away irritants. (www.answers.com)

Why don't people like to cry? I know for me it is a sign of weakness. It is me being vulnerable when I don't want to be. Usually crying comes from a hurt. And really who likes to be hurt?

Towards the beginning of last week I had to ask a friend to be brutally honest with me and tell me where our relationship stood. This was something that had been in the back of my mind nagging me for a while. But finally I decided that I deserve to know so that I can move on with me life. See I guess in my heart I knew where things stood with us. I was just hoping that maybe I was wrong just this once ;-) But just as I had long suspected, our relationship is just a friendship and that's ok.

I had to go to California 2 weeks ago for a week of fun in the sun. OK really it was for training for one of our new instruments. But it was beautiful there. Sunny everyday and 75 degrees and upwards. I met a lot of cool people, most of them being crazy MTs. I guess we all have to have a certain degree of craziness to be in the profession that we're in. I met a guy from Toronto and we went to a hockey game one night with another guy and it was fun!! I had never been to a hockey game before so the guys were trying to explain it to me which was pretty funny. On Friday morning while I was eating my breakfast bar in bed, there was a knock on my door. As I opened it, I saw the guy from Toronto standing there with a huge smile on his face and when I asked what he was doing he responded with "I had to see you. I had to say goodbye". To which my heart melted a little and my response was "Awwww"....hahha...I guess just that little interaction got me thinking...why am I not out there meeting people? Fear. That's it. That's the bottom line. And also the attachment that I had with someone was holding me back. I guess that's what spurred me on to ask that tough question. But also remembering that interaction in Cali helps me to know that I should be having those heart melting moments.

So my tears have turned to smiles and I know that I am strong enough to get through this. I mean heck if I can get through Class V rapids, I can conquer the world!! OK...maybe not the world...but I can conquer some stuff ;-)

May God smile upon you and turn your tears and fears into smiles and confidence!

2006-10-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

Isn't she the cutest?!?!?!

Gauley River Trip 2006

2006-10-08T21:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had the extreme pleasure of spending some time in West Virginia with some friends from camp. The six of us (Andy, Brittany, Chris, Phil, Rob and I) arrived in Bradley WV around 5:30pm (eastern time) at Appalachian Bible College. We got to our tents and unpacked and got some dinner. As Brittany and I got our beds set up we were both really thankful that we had each other. After dinner we got to hang out and had started a campfire when it began to rain again...we moved our devotions into the guys tent. Andy presented us with some good questions to think about while we were on this trip. He encouraged us to take time to reflect and spend time with God. And be re-energized and re-fueled.

Friday morning we were up early and had a great egg breakfast prepared by Andy on our cool outdoor stove. After breakfast we got ready to meet our river guide for the day, Gabe. We stopped by ABC's new high ropes course to check it out. Just walking up to the 2 level course was so cool. After that we got our gear for the trip. We got our life jacket, paddle, helmet and wetsuit. The trip to the river was about 40 minutes. We stopped to have lunch before getting into the water. As we walked our raft down to the drop in point on the Lower Gauley, we were all getting excited. Our 13 mile trip on the lower Gauley was pretty intense. A lot of level 3 to level 5 rapids. And this was to prepare us for our trip to the Upper Gauley the following day. At one point, I believe on the upper or lower staircase (the name of a rapid), our raft flipped. Now Gabe had explained what to do before each rapid if the raft flipped. As it flipped, I was caught underneath the raft. I had an air supply but I knew I needed to get out from underneath. After struggling for a what seemed like minutes, I swam out from under the raft. I looked to my left and saw my sandal floating away. I also saw Brittany nearby. The current and waves were too strong for me and I ended up getting carried away and I also started to panic. Something you just don't want to do in the rapids. After Gabe got the raft flipped upright, Andy threw me the rope bag and pulled me back in. As I laid over the side of the raft just trying to catch my breath I couldn't believe what I had just experienced. It's funny how in an instant situations change. One minute I was laughing and having fun and then the next I was gasping for air not able to swim up current and terrified that I would not be able to get back to the raft. Our trip on the Lower Gauley was hard but only a fraction of what we were to experience the next day.

After getting back to ABC and taking a very long and hot shower, we had an amazing steak dinner prepared by Andy. We went to Starbucks to visit Gabe and to just hang out. When we came back we had devotions again in the guy's tent because it was raining and we talked about our experiences that day. We talked about what we had learned and how it related to our life.

The next morning we were up before the sun was up and on our way to the Upper Gauley. This time we had 18 more rafters and a group of trainee guides with us. We had 5 rafts all together. This fact alone made me feel more comfortable. The drop in for the Upper Gauley was a lot different from the lower drop in point. Once you got into the raft you were on your way down the river. At the lower drop in, we had to paddle for a while to get to the rapids. On the upper there are six class 5 rapids. These are the most extreme and dangerous. And we conquered them all without falling out of the raft. Don't get me wrong, we did flip the raft again...but it was later on down the river. We also had time to jump in the river and swim and we even got a chance to jump off a rock cliff. The whole experience on Saturday was just amazing. The steam coming off the warm water, the changing colors of the trees, the sun making it's way through the clouds, all just really cool things to see and experience.

We got back to ABC and had some dinner and decided to pack up and leave that night. All of us decided that it would be easier to drive through the night and get home rather than staying another night in the cold and rain and leaving on Sunday morning. I got home around 5:15 this morning and was asleep by 5:32am. I slept until 10:45 and then got up and showered and got to relax. I even got to see my niece and hang out with her.

I am so thankful that I was able to take off of work and get out of my element for a few days. Being out in the open and in nature was good. Even though it was chilly and rainy for most of the weekend, it was still a great time. Just getting away and not having a computer or internet and turning off my phone for the weekend was good for me. I'm still learning things from the trip and I'm still re-living the rapids in my mind. I can't wait to go back and raft some more.

Cuddle Time!!!

2006-10-01T23:23:00.000-05:00

One of my most favorite things to do is cuddle!! Not so much in the summer or when it's hot and humid because then I'm just antsy. But in the cooler days of fall and the cold days of winter, I could spend all day cuddling. Tonight after dinner with Joe, Libby, Mom and Dad, I got to have some cuddle time with my niece. She is such a cuddler and I LOVE IT!!!! So much so that I dozed off a few times while holding her. My brother decided to snap this pic while I dozed off...I can't believe she's already 4 weeks old!! Although she won't officially be a month old until Tuesday, it's just crazy that time has gone by so fast!!

Another one of my favorite things is hearing the leaves crunch when I drive over them. Even though I would have to say that winter is my favorite season, fall can be cool too. Days like today where the sun was out, the sky was blue and not a cloud in sight and a nice temperature in the 70s is my kind of weather. I like to see the leaves change colors and see them fall to the ground. One of my favorite memories of fall was raking the leaves with my brother and then jumping in the 3ft tall pile with him. Another memory that comes to mind is when Katie and Laurie and I used to make a leaf house and play in it. How did we make a house out of leaves?? Really it was like a giant blue print on the grass and then we would just pretend that we had walls and doors and windows and play in our leaf house for hours on end. Sometimes I wish I could go back to those simpler times when I didn't have bills to pay, I didn't have to go to work, and all I really had to worry about was playing with friends.

Mom and I went to church today and Mike Breaux talked about getting your priorities straight and about taking time to be with your family and mainly making sure that you are making time for your Father. He suggested that people take mini-vacations everyday. Taking time for you can be beneficial not just to you, but to all of your relationships. Even though I think I have my priorities straight, I know that they fall out of line sometimes. I think that's true for everyone. We get involved in so many different things to fill up our life and to take up our time, and even though many of those things may be church related, we need to make sure that we are taking time to be refreshed and that we're taking time to just be with God. Just hanging out on the porch with Him. I am so thankful for the wonderful family that God has given me and for the wonderful relationships He has blessed me with. And as for my mini-vacation today?? Rocking my niece (and myself) to sleep. Perhaps the most peaceful I've been all week. Thanks Josey...Love you baby girl!!

4 weeks

2006-10-01T23:20:00.000-05:00

Here's me and little Josey relaxing in the rocking chair...I can't believe it's been 4 weeks already!!!

Welcome to the World Josey!!!

2006-09-05T13:49:00.000-05:00

As most of you have probably heard by now...I became an Aunt on Sunday!!! Josey (Joselyn) Elisabeth was born on Sunday September 3rd at 3:34pm. She weighed 8lbs 4oz and was 19.5 inches long!!

She was only a little over an hour old here...

The two wonderful grandmas and one day old Josey. Look at that dark hair!!!

Me and my little niece...sooo beautiful and precious!!! She is sooo loved!!! I love being an Aunt!!!

TC 2006 Recap

2006-08-13T19:09:00.000-05:00

Hello All,

Well I am finally back from a week in Lake Geneva. It was a very challenging week. Getting only 2-4 hours of sleep a night for 8 nights, I'm really not sure how we all survived. Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. We had a lot of big events during the week that I can now talk about. Sunday we had a Cabin Challenge course that ran through Big Foot State Park and all through camp. We began the game at 11pm and it wasn't finished until 3:30am. Monday we spent the day at a new camp site setting up 60 tents for Tuesdays Camptown. Monday night was Reach the Beach which I missed because I was spending some quality time with my Amanda girl drinking Caribou sitting by the lake talking. It was so great to catch up with her and just hang out. I love that girl so much. Tuesday was spent finishing up the set up for Camptown and also helping the campers decorate their race cars. The campers all arrived at Camptown and enjoyed just hanging out in a giant field. They had dinner and we had outdoor chapel which was so cool and then we began the square dancing. How fun!!! Wednesday morning we set up the hobo breakfast and waited for the campers to wake up from their blissful tent sleeping. And actually I was fast asleep on the seat of a camp truck for about 2 hrs during that set up. Ooops...Wednesday we spent cleaning up and tearing the 60 tents down which was exhausting. I slept through dinner and watched part of the talent show and went back to sleep. Thursday was the one of the biggest events we've done. The campers went on a road rally where they had to stop at 4 different places throughout Lake Geneva and do different things. Each team was equipped with a GPS and a digital camera to capture the event. While on the road rally they were also doing a scavenger hunt and playing Bigger and Better. Their final stop was at Lake Geneva Raceway. They all piled into the stands as some of us were getting ready to race. A few people took their cars out on the track just for fun. The races began and actually lasted a lot longer than anticipated. My car was supposed to be a Cavalier. However, it decided not to start or stay running. Sam, the speaker, took the first race in the Escort and I took the 2nd race. I came in 3rd. Not too bad for a first timer...At the end of all of the races, only 2 cars remained running. It was fun to drive and crash into people on the track. The whole experience was just very cool and will never be repeated due to the closing of the track after this year. Friday was spent cleaning up camp and putting things away and setting up for the closing dinner. Friday night was the last chapel, "20 minutes" and the Taste of Teen Camp. Friday has just become a cool day and night. Just to see everyone hanging out and talking and laughing is just cool. So many new friendships were made and so many lives were transformed.

One thing I ask is that you keep these campers in your prayers. Pray that they would not conform to this world but that they would be transformed and that they would continue to be transformed once they get home. Pray for the lost campers. Pray that they would find their way and that they would remember this past week. Pray for the Program Staff. There are some changes that will be made in the next month or so. Pray that we would all search our hearts and listen to God and see where He wants us.

Thank you again for keeping everyone in your prayers this past week. We had an awesome awesome week and everyone was kept safe. Thank you to everyone who came up to help!! Your help is so appreciated!!

Some TC Pics

2006-08-13T19:03:00.000-05:00

The Awesome Force Guys: Andy, Chris, Matt
The Awesome Force Girls: Rebecca, Dani, Stacy, Noelle, Katie, Lydia, Laura and Bekah
My First race: I am in the bright green Escort and Steve was in the car next to me. I came in 3rd place.

Teen Camp 2006

2006-08-04T10:26:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow I will be heading up to LGYC for the beginning of Teen Camp 06. I am so excited about this week!! We have been planning and revising and getting ready for this week since about May and now it's finally here. In 24 hours I will be on my "home turf". The place where I feel like I am being used by God for His purpose. In previous years I've been stressed to the max. This year I'm a lot more calm and relying more on God's help more than anything. This is not my week. This is His week to do whatever He needs to in these students. This is His week to work in hearts and change them to be more like Him.

Just a few things to be praying for this week. Please pray for the students: that they would be open to what God has to teach them. Please pray for the Force: We have about 10 people who will be pushed to the max this week. Please pray for strength for them. Please pray for the Program Staff: Pray that we would be able to adjust the days if things come up. Pray that our stress levels would remain low and that we would just remember that we're doing this with and for God. Please pray for all of the volunteers that will be driving up each day to help out. Pray that they would arrive safely at camp and that they would arrive back home just as safe. This week just needs to be bathed in prayer and lifted up each day. Thank you for keeping us in your prayers and I'm sure I will update once I get back.

Have a wonderful and blessed week!!

Good Friends, Good Fun, Good Times....

2006-07-17T00:43:00.000-05:00

This weekend was the annual trip to the Wisconsin Dells. Dan, Nicole, Kurt, Michelle, Jamie, Deep (all pictured) and I had an awesome time this weekend. It was good to be away and just relax and let the good times roll. We went to Noah's Ark on Saturday and had some fun times despite the heat...and I was a little overcome with the heat and sun (which the guys still don't believe) but we all had fun just floatin along the lazy river and screaming our heads off on the water rides. I think Jamie screamed the loudest though ;-)

I'm so thankful for all of the friends I have. Even though I have many different groups of friends, I love the times that I get to spend with each one of them. Each of my friends is so unique. And we all have a different starting point. Jamie and I have known each other since 6th grade. I met Michelle and Nicole when they were Jamie's roommates at ISU. I met Dan through Rob and then Kurt and Deep through Dan. I'm not sure what was the funniest thing that happened this weekend. It's somewhere between the marshmallow fight and people getting pegged in the eyes with them or people falling off beds or getting pushed off the beds, or people picking me up and throwing me around like a sack of potatoes or the funny things that were just weird and wrong with the hotel room...It's been a long time since I laughed that hard. But I needed it. So to all of my friends...thanks for another great weekend!! I love you all so much!!

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

2006-07-14T12:08:00.000-05:00

So it's been a while...a lot has happened since I last wrote....and then again nothing has happened since I last wrote...hmmm...interesting...

These past few weeks have been busy busy busy....between work, and getting camp stuff together and trying to have a social life...it's been a little hectic. For the past weeks I've been thinking about a lot of different things. One being where am I going in my life? Where is my career going? And to both of those questions I have no idea. I had a sudden urge to go back to school. And not just to get my Master's (which is something I will do). I have been looking into different programs and nothing seems to catch my eye...except for one thing...Nursing...Because I already have my bachelor's degree, I would be able to get into an accelerated BSN program. However, this means finding a school that offers it and also not working for 16 months. That's a long time to be out of work...for me...It also means moving 3.5 hrs south and being in a small town where I know no one.

After careful consideration and after going to church on Sunday, I realized that right now I just need to stay where I'm at. At least for a little while longer. As much as I gripe and groan, I do love what I do...I just don't like being there all the time. Church on Sunday was really good. A lot of things were said that I needed to hear. I will highlight those points in a bit. After church we had a camp planning meeting. I love our meetings. As much as we may not get done, it's always good to be around people that just want to serve these high schoolers and serve God.

OK...onto the message highlights...and if you weren't able to be there, I highly recommend getting the service on tape/cd.
1. "God's will is more about who you are rather than what you do or where you go."
2. "God wants us to desire Him, more than just His answers for our life."
3. "Our role is not so much to 'find' God's will, but to follow God's voice."

These three little notes just spoke to me. I am constantly concerned about God's will in my life and how that all works. But if I desire Him and follow His voice and be the person that He created me to be, then I am doing God's will for my life.

Some other things on my heart...next week I will have my last counseling session. Not too sure how I feel about that but I think it will be good. Another thing...Laurie...I can't get her out of my head...which in turn means that I'm crying at least once a day just thinking about her and trying to deal with the fact that she's gone. I don't know why this summer is harder than last summer. Maybe it's because I wasn't dealing/coping with her death. I was just skating right through and ignoring and numbing the pain. And this summer, I've learned to deal and cope and feel the pain instead of running from it.

I will be gone for the weekend...Annual trip to the Dells with some friends and I'm uber excited!! I hope you all are doing well and I'll write when I get back...

Some Pics

2006-06-27T00:43:00.000-05:00

The whole group of us at Mon Ami Gabi for Julie's birthday dinner...Roe, Cristina, Me, Mom, Gianna, Julie, Diane, and Judy

Mom and Me in front of a fountain near the Paris

Gianna, Julie and Jeffery at the Big Apple Bar in New York New York

This is the actual view from the Foundation Room which is "perched" on top of the Mandalay Bay...this is what we saw while on the outdoor balcony...just simply beautiful...

Cristina, Paul, Me and Alex...The Ultimate Fighting boys from Liverpool that just walked in to our private room...and gave us some things to laugh about...

Home Sweet Home

2006-06-26T11:31:00.000-05:00

After our fun trip to Vegas and back I realized that I'm not going to by flying for a long time...The airline we flew on was constantly delayed...and flying to Phoenix the pilot decided it would be cool to tip the plane back and forth about 40 times...not so much fun...

Vegas was awesome!! The weather was always sunny and HOT!! Like 112 degrees hot...and there's really no shade to protect you...or cool you down...we laid by the pool on Thursday and I got a little...very little color...Thursday night we went to Mon ami Gabi at the Paris for Julie's birthday which was super good!! Saw the fountains at Bellagio and went to a dueling piano bar in New York New York and then to the Big Apple bar where we had our own little corner...

Friday morning mom rented a car (PT Cruiser convertible) and we went to the Harley dealer, World's Largest Souvenir Store, the mall, and then we took a ride to the Hoover Dam. It was really cool to see this huge structure and to think about all the people that worked on it. Friday night we went to the Peppermill which was just fun. The young girls laughed throughout dinner just because we were having fun and making up stupid bar names...after that we went to the Mandalay Bay. We went up to the Foundation Room which is a members only club for the House of Blues. This is the sight that we saw...

This picture is actually from the House of Blues website because I didn't have our camera to take pics...The only difference is that it was pitch black and the strip was full of lights. It was amazing!! The person who got us in rented a private room for us (the Buddah room) and the whole night ended up being on him. I don't know if I'll ever have a better night than that one...

Saturday morning Mom and I went to the Bellagio for breakfast and walked around the conservatory which was absolutely stunning. After breakfast we went to the Ansel Adams exhibit which was just awesome. To see his actual works of art, signed by him was just amazing. To see the world through his eyes and through his lens was breathtaking. The rest of Saturday I slept and just relaxed which was good. Saturday night we went to Battista's Hole in the Wall for really good Italian food. After dinner some people went back to the hotel and I met up with Mandy, Heidi, Marie and Becca at Ceasar's. We walked around to different hotels and just enjoyed hanging out. We were at the Mirage and I decided that it was time to get back to the Monte Carlo. I walked down the strip and through some hotels and then instead of taking a cab I just decided to walk all the way back.

Sunday morning Mom and I got up and got to the airport early which was a good thing. Our flight to Phoenix was delayed about 40 minutes with no explanation and then our flight to Chicago was delayed an hour due to weather conditions...or so they say...We got home pretty late last night and Dad was great and had ordered us dinner from Pompei earlier. I had some soup and went to bed. I think I'm going to go eat my Gnocchi for lunch now so I'm out...

It was a really fun weekend with mom and I'm glad we got to do everything that we did. I'm so glad that I have a mom who's willing to stay up super late with me and go out with me...Thanks mom!!

Vegas Here Comes Trouble!!!

2006-06-20T14:01:00.000-05:00

Just a quick post for today... Tomorrow mom and I will be leaving to go to Las Vegas!! I am sooo super excited I can't even begin to tell you!! This will be my first trip to this beautiful city and I'm sure it will be memorable!! There are 8 of us going and I also have a few other friends who just happen to be going at the same time. It will be good to catch up with those folks and just have a fun time!! I plan on laying poolside and enjoying the 100+ degree weather and just relaxing and reading...as for the night...I'm sure us girls will find something to do ;-) I'm pumped to go to some clubs and enjoy the nightlife!! I would also like to see a few landmarks and of course go to the Harley store...that's a must!! Well I have to get going to work but I'm sure I'll write when I get back!!

Happy Belated Birthday Beautiful!

2006-06-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

My Dearest Laur,

Happy 22nd Birthday!!

I still miss you everyday. I still think about you everyday. I think of all of the wonderful things you've missed and also all of the crap that you've missed too. I raised a bottle last night in your honor, wishing so much that you were there with me to celebrate. Remembering and then trying to forget that you aren't here.

And then this morning (or rather this afternoon) listening to your "I Love You Lord". Thinking about how your beautiful voice is singing that song maybe right now. Thinking about seeing you, arms raised, just praising the God who made you and took you home. Wishing that you would have just opened up to one person. Wishing that you would have realized that no one is perfect and that no one really has it all together. Wishing that I could give you just one more hug and not let you go.

So here's to you my beautiful friend...I love you and miss you...

Love always and forever
Steph

I Passed!!

2006-06-08T12:00:00.000-05:00

Thank you to everyone who was praying for me yesterday!! I passed my BOR exam!! I almost started crying at the testing center in fact...Thank you again!!

Stephanie, MT(ASCP)

(i get letters behind my name now!!!)

Music to calm the nerves

2006-06-04T23:15:00.000-05:00

As most of you know, I've been busy studying for the past few weeks for my BOR exam. This is a certification exam that I've been putting off for about a year. BIG mistake on my part. The whole studying thing is just not my thing anymore. I've been spending time at Caribou and outside and in different rooms of the house to keep focused. I'm just overwhelming myself with a lot of information with the hope that I will somehow retain it just for a few days until after my exam. On Wednesday June 7th at 9am my test will begin. I had a 3 month window in which I could pick pretty much any day and any time. I chose June 7th for a few reasons. Number 1: My 3 month window ends on the 13th of June so I figured I'd wait til the last possible minute to take it. Number 2: Laurie's birthday. In honor and in memory of my "Lil Laur". Number 3: I guess there was only 2 reasons...haha oh well....

I've realized that while having my cds stolen was a horrible thing, it's helping me to be more selective when choosing cds to buy. I take that back...I'm such an impulse buyer it's not even funny!! I recently bought the Red Hot Chili Peppers new cd as well as The Wreckers. I highly recommend them both. What I really want to talk about is The Wreckers though. I'm loving this cd tremendously!! The lyrics that these girls have written are so on target with so many of my feelings lately. One of my favorite songs is called "Cigarettes". The lines that hit me most are these:

"'Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove
'Cause somebody will see
all my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road"

I haven't been smoking for a while now but mainly the first part hits me the most and reminds me that I am worth a lot and that I don't have to keep trying to prove that I'm worth loving...Oh how I love music so much...I just wish I was musically inclined sometimes...

Well I'm gonna get going...but if you happen to read this please shoot up a prayer around 9am on Wednesday for me...Pray that I would have a calm spirit, that I would have wisdom and knowledge, that I would read the questions very carefully and that I wouldn't get discouraged if I don't pass. Thanks so much!!!

2006-05-22T02:48:00.000-05:00

"I am Nothing" by Shawn McDonald

I am nothing without you
Only a fly upon the wall
Listening in, hoping to find something about you
That will keep me from this fall
Sometimes I catch a glimpse
& my heart begins to beat
Day by day youre waking me
You put the wind beneath my feet

I long for the water that brings life to me
I long for the truth that sets man free

I am nothing with out you
Only the dirt beneath your nail
My is heart is bruised and broken
& my soul is very frail
Please give me a reason
A name to a nameless man
No longer this broken treason
Only on you I will to stand

I long for the water that brings life to me
I long for the truth that sets man free

Please mend my broken wings
Take the scales from my eyes
Without you I am nothing
I cannot survive

I long for the water that brings life to me
I long for the truth that sets man free

This is a song that I've been listening to that is just speaking to me lately. I went to church this morning and just couldn't help the tears that came to my eyes. I was actually happy to be at church and in God's presence. I was happy to be worshipping Him and I was happy to be getting fed.

After church we had a TC meeting which was very productive and then I got to go shopping with Mom. After dinner I went to Caribou on a mission to study. I studied for about 2 hrs and then got frustrated and left. I just feel so lost in my studying. I know I have no one to blame but myself if I don't pass my test, but at the same time I know I can do this!

I went to Vicki's for a while and just got to hang out and talk with her. I just love that we are so close now. I just wish that I wouldn't have been so dumb my last year of high school and I wish I would have gotten to be better friends with her sooner. I love that I can just call her up and say "I need Vicki-Steph time" and she says c'mon over...and we sit and talk for hours. I love that I can share my whole heart and she just listens to me. I don't know what I'd do without her in my life. I thank God for the friends He has brought into my life. They are all so unique and bring such a joy to my life that I can't really explain.

Hope things are going well...May you be embraced by God's love this week!

Fun Weekend

2006-05-07T21:45:00.000-05:00

This weekend I had the pleasure of attending a reception for one of my friends from college. Amanda and Rob had their reception out in Rock Island yesterday. This of course meant that I got to see some of my friends from school. Such a great mini-class reunion!! Pictured above is Kayla, Me, Betty and Courtney (Money). Somehow the bride, Amanda, did not get in the picture. After the reception, Betty, Money, Andy and I went out to an establishment by the name of the Thirsty Beaver. We had fun playing foosball, basketball, darts and I had an extreme amount of fun dancing!! It was good to be with the girls and just have fun and dance under the pretty lights. For a while I was dancing without shoes on and I believe at one point I just was staring at the lights. I don't know if it was the music or the lights or maybe both, but I know that I was truly happy. Nothing could have wiped the smile off my face. Except for the walk back to the hotel we were staying at because I still didn't have shoes on. All in all we had a great time just hanging out and swimming and having good conversation. It was a good, fun, and safe weekend!

If I could ask for one thing for this week...please pray for strength for me this week. I will be working 12 hour shifts probably all week long. And as we all know, I rarely get out of work on time as is. So it's going to be a long week and I'm probably going to be pretty crabby. Please don't take offense if I'm snappy. I hope you all have a great week!!

Teen Camp 2006

2006-04-30T22:20:00.000-05:00

The strongest staff ever!! Look at those muscles!!
TC 2005

One huge part of my life is serving with these people. For about 5 years now I've been involved with Teen Camp. The first 3 years I was on the Force and also doing some programming things. Last year I was on program staff. Quite a change for me. Last year was especially hard because Laurie and I had planned on hanging out at camp that year. My heart was just not there. It also didn't help that I hadn't gone through counseling yet. Every free minute I had, I spent going off site and just driving. Driving to get away. Driving to free my mind of the pain. When Winter Camp was coming up, I wasn't sure about where I stood with camp and my position. I asked God to start opening and closing some doors. That's when God decided to have me be a counselor...eek! The cool thing was, that I tried it, loved it, but also saw that my place at camp is not really in a cabin. It's very much in the programming. It's in the hustle and bustle of everyday things and running around to make sure everything is done. It's in the background.

Today we had our first brainstorming meeting for TC 2006. Already we have some great ideas and I'm super excited about this year! I love being at camp for the week. I love the atmosphere. I love being able to serve God and the campers and giving my all. These next few months will be very hectic with schedule making and planning and meetings. But it brings my heart so much joy to be a part of it. I thank God for giving me an opportunity to be there and giving me such a great team to be a part of!!

Looking Upward

2006-04-21T23:56:00.000-05:00

This is a photo taken at Yellowstone in 1987 by Ed Austin and Herb Jones. It is titled "Looking Upward". It's amazing...all the wonderful things you can find on the internet...but back to the reason for this post....

After my minor/major freak out on Tuesday, things have started to look up. I realized I took my eyes off of God just for a moment. I need to keep looking upward and everything will fall into place. God will continue to provide and be there for me no matter what. I just have to keep my eyes focused on something bigger than me. Something that makes sense in this world that doesn't. God has been so faithful to me. Why would I want to fix my eyes on something that won't be there tomorrow? God is there every single minute of my day. And I am so thankful that He is. I'm so thankful that no matter what, He will be there for me.

So I am looking upward and excited about what the future holds for me.

Bleeding Heart

2006-04-19T00:13:00.000-05:00

If this picture was inside my body...that's what you'd see. My heart has been in a lot of pain today. Not for one particular reason or another, but for many reasons. I called my mom on the way to work to just get my mind off the fact that I couldn't stop crying. However, that didn't work so well because I just kept crying. She kept saying "you better get it together before you get to work". And I'd laugh and tears would fall some more.

Over the past few days I've had some random but good conversations with people. In one of them I was told that I run away and give up on relationships too quickly. In another I was told that I think about some things too much and other things not enough. And also that I think too far into the future. So the thoughts started piling up and just left me feeling just really sad. I don't know why. I have some thoughts that I'm not willing to put out here but you get the general idea. And on the way home from work I was listening to my new favorite song(see below) and started the whole crying thing again...annoying!!

I know God wants me to be alone...but I just want to feel that rush....I want to feel loved by a guy who thinks the world of me...I just have to be patient and wait...but sometimes it's a little more than my heart can handle...

"Love is a Marathon" by Teddy Geiger

You love to run
Into the arms Of anyone
Take off your shoes and socks
And stay awhile
You like the adrenaline rush
Just a little too much
You go from day to day
Hand to mouth
And wonder why You're unsatisfied

[Chorus]
Cause love is a marathon
That's why you get tired so fast of everyone
Slow down and pace yourself
Cause when it's good
It's a long open road

You think still
You'll find a soul behind a thrill
You're just a cat chasing your tail
Round and round
What if you relax
Something might last

[Chorus]

You're exhausted always coming down
Trying to come up for air
Trying to act like you just don't care
La da da, de da da

[Chorus]

Daffodils

2006-04-15T03:08:00.000-05:00

Today(Good Friday) was a day of sunshine and greatness...I woke up to the sun shining in my room and the birds chirping. One of my favorite things. I had counseling today and it went pretty well. Actually very well. I took some "tests" and after my counselor was amazed. He said that he had never seen me like this in the time that we've been meeting. That is a good thing...no it's a great thing! I guess things have changed a lot in just the past few days. I think God is continuing the healing of my heart. I'm appreciating life and the time I get to spend with my family and friends. These next few weekends are pretty packed but I'm loving it! And camp things are getting started which always brings a smile to my face!!

After I left counseling, with the windows down and music blasting, the wind in my face, I couldn't help but smile. Traffic was a little busy but I didn't seem to mind. On the way home from a quick shopping trip, I drove down Old McHenry Rd. As I was driving, I kept noticing all of the yellow daffodils. All along the road. Bright as the sun and just beautiful. As I kept driving I just kept smiling. I'm loving life and it could be the change of seasons....but maybe it's the changing of seasons in my life. I welcome and embrace the changes that are to come. I'm not living in the past but just enjoying the present and the future that is to come.

Thank you to all of you who have stood beside me. Thank you for praying for me and for listening. In short thank you for being a part of my life!!

Catching up on learning

2006-04-13T12:48:00.000-05:00

Today I finally had time and took time to read the Lent book from Mars Hill. I had listened to Sunday's message on Tuesday but ran out of time before I had to go to work. Today was my "catch-up" day. I looked at these 4 different passages. Phil 3:7-11, 1 Cor. 1:4-9, Eph. 1:3-14, and Psalm 57:7-11. Each passage I read had a very different effect on me. I realized and learned a lot today. I realized that I need to get my passion for God back. It's not going to be easy but it is not something that is so far fetched. I need to start serving more and go to church. I need to be constantly fed. I've noticed more recently that I need to physically eat about every couple of hours to not be starving. I realized that I've been starving myself of God and learning. I need to be fed by Him all the time. He needs to be my main focus. I need to keep my eyes on Him at all times.

I think one of the biggest things that I learned today was that God loves me more than I could ever imagine. He chose ME. He created me in His image. He gave me everything I need. What have I done for Him lately? I've tried to stay connected. I've tried to listen. I've tried to be in constant communication with Him. But my heart wasn't in it. My heart has been hurt in the last few weeks and while I have been spending time with God, my heart and sometimes my mind kind of gave up. I've noticed my attitude and the things that come out of my mouth haven't been honoring to God. These are things that I'm going to work on. My heart needs some work and I know that God will heal it and make it whole again.

May God be with you.

Image of the Invisible God

2006-04-05T13:04:00.000-05:00

This was the title from the Mars Hill Lent book for today. The passage is Colossians 1:15-22. I usually don't post what I have gathered and learned and written because well...that's between God and me. But I feel that this is pretty important stuff and I'd like to share it with all of you wonderful people...

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation" Col 1:21-22.

I was created by God to be used by Him for His work. I am here because God wanted me here. He had a plan for my life from the moment I was thought of. He gave me all of the qualities I have. He let me make choices. He gave me free will. He was right beside me when the choice I made wasn't great. He was there to help me pick up the pieces. To carry me in His arms and to love me for who He made me to be. For it is in His eyes that I have no faults. It is in His eyes that I am a beautiful creation of God.

What an amazing God we have. What an amazing God that we serve.

May you feel God's amazing love for you today and always.

Blah-ness

2006-03-31T16:47:00.000-06:00

Since last Wednesday I have not been sleeping well. As most of you probably already know, my "Papa" passed away last week. I took the rest of the week off from work to be with my family and help plan the wake and funeral. I think this really helped me in terms of dealing with it all. No one is ever ready to let go. Even if it is expected you're still not ready to not see that person anymore.

I was overwhelmed by the amount of support I received in this last week. From various emails, text messages, myspace messages, voicemails, and cards, I realized that there are a lot of people that are there for me. For that, my friends I thank you all tremendously. You will never know how much I appreciate all of your support.

This past week I worked Tuesday and Wednesday night and Thursday and Friday on day shift. Kind of crazy. I realized that I am not a morning person at all!! I like the people I work with on my shift and I like the goofy times we have together.

Last night I went on my first official bike ride of the season. It was FANTASTIC!! I hung out with Jason and his friend and we walked around Streets of Woodfield. SO many bikes I was leaving a trail of drool behind me I think. We went to Jason's to hang out after that and his brother Mike and friend came home from being on their bikes. Jason proceded to tell them that I LOVE bikes and asked them if I could have a ride. Mike's friend took me out on his new bike which was cool. It was nice to be out in the warm-ish air just riding around. However, it made me start thinking about buying a bike again. Something that I need not do right now.

Anyways...I hope all is well with you and that you enjoy the weekend!!

Resting in God's Presence

2006-03-20T13:10:00.000-06:00

I listened to Rob Bell's message from church yesterday called "Resting in God's Presence". He and one of his friends, Sister Virginia Stasium, gave the message. It was really good. A lot of what I needed to hear and pass along. If you would like to hear it go the the Mars Hill link and go to the "Listen" section.

There were 3 times of intended silence throughout the message. Sister Virginia walks through some excercises that really help with focusing. She had a lot of neat things to say. Here are a couple:

"Obedience is to listen with the ears of your heart."
"Let God be God. Let God be love."
"You will know who you are and whose you are and you will know it does not depend on you."

One thing that Rob said in response to John 17:20 was this:
"Jesus' hope and prayer for us is that we would find life in God in such a way that we would be united and in such a way that people would say "That's God right there. Yes, that's the way"."

Finding life in God. I'm on my way back up the roller coaster of life. And hearing this message today and taking time to be in the silence helped me to remember and believe that God is with me. Yesterday, today, tomorrow and always, He is with me. No matter how many times I screw up, no matter how many times I try to do it myself, He is always there to help me pick up the pieces and carry me.

My grandpa is not doing well. He's lived 85 years of his life and there's not too much hope that he will get better. The harsh reality of it is that he will probably be leaving this earth soon. Me, being the selfish person I am, is having a hard time dealing with that. I'm not ready for him to go yet. I'm not ready to let him go. But I know that through this time of saddness and sorrow, that God will be with us. God will hold us in his hands and comfort us and help us to grieve when the time comes. Please keep my family in your prayers.

May you find life in God and know that He is with you always.

Conover

2006-03-20T12:56:00.000-06:00

This weekend was really good. Friday morning I left early and started to head up to Conover Wisc. Matt's parents have a cabin up there and Vicki and Matt invited some of us to go up for the weekend. My drive up took a little longer than expected. I stopped in Wausau to get gas and some food and decided to stop at the Chevy dealer. See, when I stopped in Rockford earlier, my parking brake light came on for no reason. So I checked the fluid level, added some in, and went along my merry little way. Driving around Wausau looking for a gas station, the brake pedal felt a little softer than usual and the parking brake light was still on...2 hours later, the diagnosis was simple. I was low on brake fluid...something the other dealer should have checked when I brought it in for an oil change 2 weeks ago...

I'm not going to go through the whole weekend piece by piece but here are some highlights:
-Some of the best food I've eaten in a long time, generously cooked by Vicki and Keith (I shredded cheese!!!)
-Laying on the floor doing lots of puzzles
-Making many a trip to the Energy Mart. I think I went 4 times in 5 hours on Friday...
-Shotgunning a beer for the first time and having Keith lick my face to get the beer off...a lil gross...not gonna lie...
-Sitting in the snow cave with Vicki and Dee for 2 hours just talking about life.
-Sitting in front of the fire for an hour talking with the girls while the boys cut down a tree for more firewood
-Almost making it to the lake on a kneeboard while sledding
-Holding hands and praying before each meal
-Being with people that I love and care so much about
-Laughing
-The quiet silence
-Holding hands and praying before we left to come home (which only took us 5 hrs thanks to the caravan-ing action)
-"Boxing-In" a guy who cut Dee off and needed to learn a lesson

I'm so glad that I have all of these people in my life. I don't know what I'd do without them. Thanks for a great weekend all!!!

Done with March

2006-03-14T01:09:00.000-06:00

We're only 14 days into the month of March and so far it's been pretty bad. Work has been insanely busy. Everyday something happens that makes me stressed beyond belief. And it seems that every Monday something crappy happens. Today on my way to do some food shopping, I got a ticket by one of Buffalo Grove's finest.

After a few minutes at work, the open heart went bad and they called for a lot of products and then we had a Trauma. And the trauma was pretty bad too. Our break room is being remodeled which in turn leads to a complete disaster all over the lab. We have coats hanging everywhere, our lockers stuffed into the hallways, our refrigerator in the pathologist's office, and no where for us to eat. Tonight I ate with Helen, Tammy and Kate in the lobby of the women's center. Quite relaxing with the water fountains and all...I enjoyed the comfy couch and quiet area...

And now for the prayer requests...Please keep my grandpa in your prayers. Pray for healing and the stopping of the infection. Please keep Aunt Barb and Pete and the entire family in your prayers for strength and peace. Please pray for Katie. For the healing of her mind.

Alone Time

2006-03-07T23:58:00.000-06:00

Saturday afternoon I drove up to Grand Rapids to see Kim and hang out. I got a little lost but found my way eventually. I love Kim. I can't believe that I almost missed the chance to get to know this girl just because I was afraid of making bonds and then breaking them. I love that she accepts me and loves me for who I am. I love that we can watch Harold and Kumar everytime I go up. I love being able to go to Mars Hill and hear Rob Bell speak.

On the way home I had a few good conversations. One was quite confrontational and hard, but in the end all will be well. I just need time to heal and forgive and allow that person to regain my trust. Another was with God. And yet another with a good friend. My conversation with God was a little weird. Basically it was me telling me what God saw was going on in my life. God wants me to be alone right now. He wants me all to Himself. He wants to teach me and grow me up. He wants me to be solely focused on Him. The hard part is that I don't want what God wants for me. Looking back on the past few years, I realized that He's been trying to get me alone for quite some time but it was me who has always resisted. It is me who has repeatedly put guys up on a pedestal instead of having God on that pedestal.

As a side note...I have taken inventory of all of my cds. While I have over 200, not all of them were in the cd case that was stolen. There are 82 cds missing as of now. Some I have saved onto my laptop. If anyone knows of a way that I can transfer the files from my laptop to my home computer can you email me and let me know how? A lot of my mixes are saved to my windows media so ideally I can just burn them again. But I can't burn cds on my laptop, only on the house computer.

If you can still keep my grandpa in your prayers I would appreciate it.

Returning to a State of Normal

2006-03-03T13:21:00.000-06:00

Happy Birthday Libby!!!! Hope you have a great day!!!

Today was a good day...so far. I got up at the butt crack of dawn to get my bezel replaced at the dealer. After I was planning on taking a nap but that didn't so much happen. I got ready and headed over to Circuit City to pick out a new stereo. The Pioneers that they had just weren't the same as mine. I ended up getting a little older version, but a step up from the one I had. On my drive home, with some Train turned up, I felt that I was returning to a normal state of mind. Now it feels like my baby is complete once again. I'm super excited to spend some time with Kim and to spend some time alone in my car. My baby will turn 100,000 miles probably by the time I get to Michigan tomorrow. That's a milestone that I'm not too excited about...

Yesterday was hard. I went to the lake with Aunt Barb, Pete and Kristin. Being with them where Laur spent her last moments was surreal. It just doesn't seem like she's gone. Today the memories just keep flooding back and won't stop. Remembering the panic I felt. Conversations I had. It was about this time last year when I started to head home in a panic. Only to be stuck in my car for I think about 4 hours or more.

I'm glad to get away from the area and just away from everything here. Even if it's only for a little bit. My counselor is a little concerned about everything that has happened this week and I don't think that it helped that I cancelled my appointment for today. But I felt I needed to get things done and organized at the expense of not dealing so much with my feelings. They'll still be there next week right?

Committed

2006-03-02T00:42:00.000-06:00

This will be mostly a ranting post and may be deleted at a later time. But for now...

When someone makes a commitment, what does that mean? The dictionary gives a few definitions but one that sticks out is this "A pledge to do something". When someone makes a commitment to another person, they are saying I pledge to do this. Just like wedding vows, two people pledging their love for one another and saying I will stick with you through all the crap that may come no matter what.

What happens when that pledge is broken? What should one do? If someone makes a commitment and then breaks it, what should happen next? Right now I am livid. This week has been pretty crappy as is, and topped off with added stress of the break-in and vandalism to my car, my grandpa being in the hospital, I thought it wouldn't get worse. And funny enough it did just a little bit ago. I'm not going to say much because I haven't been able to talk to this person about the situation. But in a nutshell, a promise, a commitment was made to me about honesty. That commitment was broken and I'm pissed.

I don't understand why people feel the need to lie to me. Or not tell the whole truth to me. I would respect people and trust people a lot more if they just stopped lying. Yes, the truth may hurt and people may have their hearts broken and hopes shattered, but in the end isn't that better than lying and leading people on? If you are my friend, then why in the world would you feel the need to lie to me? Or to not tell me certain things? I'm a big girl, I can take it...I've dealt with a lot more pain than you know. I've dealt with a lot more heartache than you will ever know.

I'm out....

P.S. I love Riggs soooo much and I miss her like crazy!!!! ;-)

A New Day and a New Month

2006-03-01T13:37:00.000-06:00

So today is March 1st. Tomorrow is Dad's birthday and Friday is Libby's. Tomorrow I will be sad and mourn the loss of my friend Laurie. I can't believe it's been a year already. It seems like this all just happened yesterday. Ick!

I woke up this morning to my phone ringing and I think I had a conversation with the glass people. My mom told me that my dad had already vacuumed my car out. What a great daddy I have!! Then a guy came out and replaced the glass in my car. I made a call to the insurance company again to see where my adjuster was so they sent 2 other guys out. They did their thing and sat in their car and cut me a check for the dashboard and stereo. The original estimate I had gotten from the car dealer (of $1500) was for the entire dash. I guess the only piece that needs to be replaced is the bezel. I have no idea. Anyways that is a lot cheaper than replacing the whole dash. I think I will get that all fixed next week. I don't know that I will have time this week to get it done before I leave for Michigan on Saturday. I will also be installing (or have someone install) a top of the line security system.

I love my car. She's like me in a lot of ways. She fits my personality completely and to see her get damaged and violated like that just hurts me. I know it's just a car and it's just a material thing but my car is my escape. I can be sad and cry or be happy and dance and she won't judge me because she is a car. OK reading over that it sounds like I'm on drugs, but I promise I'm not...I just have an attachment. God provided me with this car and provided me with the jobs I had so that I could pay for the car. He provides for me and my family in ways that I can't even explain. Many of my deep conversations with God have been in the car. So yes, it is just a car, but in a way it's much more.

Have a great day!!

2006-02-28T12:28:00.000-06:00

This is the aftermath of the week of crap. I made a lot of phone calls today and got an estimate from the dealer for fixing the dashboard. A lovely $1500-1600 parts and labor for the dashboard only. My camera which was also stolen as well as the 200+ cds are not covered by the insurance because they were not a part of the car. My only hope is this: That the people who did this, would think of me everytime they write a note to someone on the flip flop notepads and feel bad for taking things that were not theirs to take. My other hope is that the police would find who did this and that they would be punished for the crime they committed.

Week of Crap

2006-02-28T01:24:00.000-06:00

Today began the week of crap. It started out pretty ok. The weekend was awesome and hanging out with my friends just makes my heart happy. But today....today was utter crap. I was glad to be able to spend time with my grandparents and to help them out. I became worried at the doctor's office when he said he wanted to admit my grandpa to the hospital to get rid of his infection quicker. But being in the career I'm in, I understood and knew that was the better option. After getting into the E.R. at NWCH, I waited with them for about an hour and a half. Something I totally didn't mind doing. Then I had to leave and get ready for work. I hated to leave my grandparents just waiting for a bed. But they understood. I got to work and around 10pm called my mom to see how things were going. After hearing that the pharmacy took 5 hrs to get my grandpa some ointment, I started to get a little uneasy and thought about our patients at the hospital. Wondering if that would happen at my hospital.

11:15pm rolled around and I finally clocked out and got ready to leave. As I was walking out to my car with Tammy, I looked and said "Is my window broken?". As we approached my car slowly and carefully, I soon realized that my beloved baby had been broken into. The passenger window had a huge whole in it and as I peered in, I saw that my stereo, a birthday present from my brother, was gone. My dashboard torn apart, and everything that I had in my car and in the glove boxes was strewn about. My heart broke at that moment and so did my patience. I couldn't get ahold of our security so I called 911. A kind Libertyville police officer arrived and we looked at the damage being careful to not touch anything. He called the CSI guy to see if they could pull any prints. But no luck there because all the prints were smudged. And most of them were probably from passengers that I know. As I watched the two officers take pictures of the damage, I got out and was allowed to open the doors to check for more missing items. The thing that put me over the edge was that my cd case that holds about 200+ cds was gone. I opened the tailgate to find that the boxes that I had from camp were gone. One of the boxes contained some prizes that didn't get used at camp, like the flip flop notepads. But they left my blankets and the legos, my GAP scarf, my turtle, and sombrero. How kind of them. I am still in shock and just feeling overwhelmed and saddened by the whole scenerio. I don't know how much this will cost but knowing that all my cds are gone breaks my heart. I love music. It spurs me on and keeps me going. Music is always on my mind and in my heart. I typically don't burn cds unless it's a mix, and knowing that I have had such a huge investment literally ripped from my hands hurts. Knowing that all the mixes I had are gone makes me sad. Knowing that no one saw this happening makes me sad. Knowing that our security guards were watching a psych patient all night and not roaming the parking lots like they should be pisses me off. One of the first few phone calls I will make tomorrow will be to the head of security at the hospital. And he will get an ear-full from me. The security guards couldn't even give the officer an estimate as to when the last time they drove by my car was.

So going into this week is sad enough as it is. Knowing and recounting last year at this time every day. Remembering how excited I was to be going to Mexico to help Megan move down, only to realize that there was no way I could leave under the circumstances. And remembering the phone calls I made and received and just the lack of control and panic. And then pain. Thursday (pending that my car is fixed), I will spend the morning at the place where my friend spent her last moments of life. I will do this in solitude and just grieve. Then this weekend I will be with Kim in Michigan. Hopefully helping her find a place to live and just being with her. Honestly, if I could go there for a few more days I totally would. Just to be there for her and to let her know she is not alone, and is not meant to be alone in this world. We were created to live in community, to be there for one another, to love and cherish the time we spend together, and sometimes we all take that time for granted.

Growing Up

2006-02-21T13:34:00.000-06:00

For those of you who know me....you know I will never fully grow up. I will always be a kid at heart and I don't see anything wrong with it!! Lately (maybe within the last year or more), I have been feeling that I'm letting life pass me by. I mean shoot I just graduated in May which now seems like a distant memory...That sucks! I'm already on job number 2 and I just started my career life....Weird....Anyways getting back to my whole reason for writing...I've been doing some thinking and reading and I've realized that I feel old. I feel like I grew up too fast and that I didn't have time to be that rebellious, reckless, stupid teenager. But then again, would that have changed me or the person I am today? Probably not. I had my chances to be stupid and reckless and I took some of those times and ran with them. I guess I'm just past that phase. I guess I just miss that. Now, I have some responsibilities that keep me from staying out all night like work the next afternoon. But when I was at school if I didn't feel like going to work, I would just have to call in and make an excuse. I can't really do that now.

One thing I have been talking about with people is my timeline. I had my life pretty well planned out in the love department. Funny how that always falls through. I look back to 6 years ago when I met my first love. And I look at my life now and think...we would have been married and divorced by now. He wasn't the right fit for me. He wasn't able to love me the way I needed to be. And that's ok. In reading this one book I realized that there is someone that God has planned for me and made specifically tailored, just for me. How cool is that? And I have been created for that one man. I just haven't found him yet. I read today in Song of Songs this "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". That verse is repeated a few times throughout that book. It really just kicked me in the head. I just need to be patient and wait until God has prepared us both for each other. I know there's a lot I need to work on and change in my life...so until then I will be content in the wonderful single life I'm leading and enjoy the time that I have to spend with my friends and family.

Have a wonderful sun shiny day!!!

Who Will Be the Bouncer of My Heart?

2006-02-20T23:54:00.000-06:00

"Steph you really need to guard your heart." "Guard your heart Steph." "It is time to take control of our lives and guard our hearts so we do not grow sickly and waste away after enduring disappointment after disappointment.".

That last quote came from a book I'm reading by Michelle McKinney Hammond. Another quote that I took away from that book today was this: "Perhaps part of the problem is not knowing who you are or recognizing your value. This, coupled with a healthy dose of not trusting God to give you your heart's desire, is enough to make you settle for anything!"

And now for the dissection of all of this. Last night one of my friends asked how I was doing and what was happening in my life. I told her blank answers and she knew something was up. I told her of my more recent struggles and let downs and that's when she advised me to guard my heart. My response to her was "I tried and I failed...once again". Then today I decided to pick up a book that I had bought last year around this time, but never got the chance to read. I started reading and then there it was....guard your heart. I think it was at that point that I said quite loudly "OK I GET IT!". As I continued to read I came across that last quote. There were a couple of things that kicked me in the head. Not knowing who you are or recognizing your value...hmmm....That's something I should probably figure out. I have never been one to recognize my accomplishments or recognize my talents or recognize the good things about me. Perhaps that is why I have spent a lot of time just looking for guys to fill me up with words and confidence, and then suffer the disappointment when things don't work out. And then the biggest thing. Not trusting God. A good friend pointed this out to me I think last month and my response to him was anger because I wear a ring that says "Trust", so I must trust God, how can anyone say different? But after thinking about it and spending time with God, I realized that I hadn't been trusting Him completely. I had been holding on to things that were out of my control. Camp was a huge trust test and I think I did ok. I still struggle with this daily. But my response to God is getting better.

So after all that dissection, there leaves just one little thing. Who will guard my heart? Who will be the bouncer at the door who says "You're not worthy of her love"? Obviously I haven't been guarding it well or I wouldn't be in the present state of mind. At school it was easier to keep my guard up and there are times that my heart is guarded especially when meeting people for the first time. But this has been the vicious cycle for the past few years: I meet a guy, let my guard down, he challenges me, I begin to change (for the better), I get attached, then things don't work out, and I'm left alone once again with a void that I need to fill. Which leads me to turn to my selfish impulse control problem. Like right now when already I have started to look for a new car. Something I cannot afford but because it's shiny and new it may just take my mind off things (gotta love my coping strategies....). After the part in the cycle where things don't work out, I begin to look for something to fill that void in my heart. Instead of filling it with God and His love, I turn to anything but Him. I turn away and fill the void with shopping, cars, drinking, and back to guys.

OK well I think that's all this girl will write about tonight. And if you feel I'm referring to you please ask me. Chances are it's not about you. One thing I'd like to ask for is prayer. I know that everyone's lives are a little crazy but if you think of it just shoot up a prayer asking God to help me right now. Ask Him to bind Satan from telling me lies, and to consume my life with His love for me. Let His love be enough for me and enough to fill the void so that I don't let my impulses take over.

G'night and God Bless

-4 degrees of separation

2006-02-19T20:12:00.000-06:00

Friday night, well early Saturday morning, my compass in my car said that it was -4 degrees out. I had gone out with some friends after work and on my way home was listening to a cd. The song I was listening to is called "For Blue Skies" by Strays Don't Sleep. As I was listening and driving I began to cry. The lyrics that hit me the hardest are in the first few lines of the song.

"It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it"

I was thinking of Laurie and how she's almost been gone for a year now and I just can't get used to her not being here. I've been dealing with issues from her death a lot in the past month but I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by that I don't think of her and that I don't miss her.

For the first time I didn't wipe away the tears. I let them roll down my cold face and felt pain and didn't try to hide it. I felt the hurt and let it out. Something that in this whole process I haven't done well. I spent the majority of my time hiding what I was feeling and putting up a front. I focused on everything but the grief I was feeling. I focused on school, work, camp, friends and all their crazy issues, guys, drinking, smoking and anything else to keep my mind off of Laurie and on something else that wasn't so painful.

I had a lot more to say but I think I'll just keep it at that.
Have a good night

Selfish

2006-02-16T00:39:00.000-06:00

I've been a very busy girl at work these past few days only because I've been in Hematology (a department I dislike the most). Even in those crazy moments though I've been doing some thinking. I came to the realization today that we are a bunch of selfish little people. I'm not talking about certain people. I'm talking about each and everyone of us. As a society we are selfish.

Guys play little mind games with girls to get what they want. And in return girls play games with guys either in retaliation or in order to get what they want. No matter how hard I try to deny that I've been the mastermind behind some games, I have to admit that I too am guilty. I was quickly reminded of a particular instance today by someone. However, in my state of denial (only because I wanted to be right) I realized that I played a game and won but then ended up losing in the end. No matter how hard we try to not play games with people's minds, it always ends up happening in one way or another. Why? Because we are selfish and want all of our desires to be met. We know just what to say or just what to do or just what to wear to attain our goal. Go to any bar or club or for that matter a restaurant and just people watch. Watch the way they talk or look at other people. Watch the way guys glance at a pretty woman just to make their date jealous. Watch the way women act at a club, particularly on the dance floor. They are in a state of "Look at me. Watch me. Desire me". You can see it in their eyes, the way their body moves, and the way they look when they know someone is watching.

I'm by no means saying that I've never taken part in these situations. In fact I will venture to say that I've been in a lot of them and will probably get into them again. This was just a little rambling about what I think about at work. There may have been some other influences too but for the most part just me thinkin outloud. OK I lied there were a lot of other influences to this little rambling. I know there is so much more I could go into but for now I'll leave it at that. Maybe this will become a series on selfishness and what we can do to stop it.

Have a wonderful day/night

Happy Valentine's Day

2006-02-14T12:49:00.000-06:00

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I would like to post something that I received from my mom on Valentine's Day of 1997. It was from a Max Lucado day calendar that she had.

"I hope you receive a rose or a special card from that special person today. If you didn't and don't expect to, remember that the one who loves you most has already sent you his very best!"

1 John 4:10 "This is what real love is: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us in sending his Son to be the way to take away our sins."

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day!!

The Weekend in a Turtleshell

2006-02-08T11:21:00.000-06:00

There's so much I want to say and yet so much that I shouldn't or don't want to say. This past weekend was camp. I counseled for 6 amazing girls and I'll admit that I enjoyed it. I don't know if doing a whole week would work for me but for the weekend it was good. The only thing I regret is not being able to spend more time with them. See while I was counseling I was also still doing programming stuff. Programming is challenging and time-consuming in itself. Tack on counseling and you have yourself one tired Steph.

It was weird to be at camp without Laurie. It was weird to do B-I-N-G-O without hearing her shout sarcasm through the microphone. It was weird to drive up there by myself on the same roads that she and I took just a year ago together. It was weird to be up there and be in a totally different role than I'm used to.

One thing I enjoy the most is spending time with people. I got to hang out with the normal programming crew (Chris, Phil, Amy, Jeff, Steve, Pudy, Andy, Jake, Cindy) and also with the mini-Force (Jackie, Lydia, Steve Web) and I got to spend time with some others (Amanda, Rachel, Ellen, Heidi, Mom and Dad, and I'm sure I missed a lot of other people). One of the coolest times I had was with Amanda. She and I went "off site" for a bit and just shared our hearts. I love that girl so much and wish that she was closer than Florida. But I know that that is where she needs to be right now. Another cool moment was with Jackie and Lydia. The three of us ran to Starbucks (of course) and I just shared what had been going on in my life since Teen Camp. I told them of "the breakdown" and going to counseling and my complete 180 that I've done since then end of December. And they just listened.

I love camp and as much as I sometimes gripe about the goofy program stuff that I have to get done, I love it. I learn something everytime I go up there. And I just love hanging out with people and gettting to know them and their hearts a little more each time we hang out. Thank you to all of those people that hung out with me this past weekend...

God Bless...

Elephants At Camp?

2006-02-02T12:42:00.000-06:00

After a little bit of drinking last night I was in a restless sleep. I woke up more than a few times which is pretty abnormal for me. The last dream I had was about being downtown. Only it didn't look anything like downtown Chicago. It looked more like Windsor Canada. Just with more roads and things like that. I was on this trolley and we were at a stoplight when out of this weird pond thing comes this elephant. Not a huge elephant but still an elephant walking out of a pond and down the street. After remembering this morning what I dreamt about I decided to consult one of my fun websites...dreammoods.com. The dream dictionary says this about seeing an elephant in your dream: "To see an elephant in your dream, suggests that you either need to be more patient and understanding of others." After reading that I thought hmmm...that's probably true right about now. But the fact of the matter is that I don't think I will understand this. There are a lot of things I do understand and things that I thought I didn't but realized that I understood too much. But this...this I will not understand. Sorry for being so vague with the details.

On other news...I will be counseling for a group of girls this weekend at Winter Weekend '06! Yes, me counseling...after a few hours of freak out time and some conversations I realized that this is a huge step for me. Because I can't control what will happen or what will be said, I just have to rely and trust that God will be with me in those moments. Please be praying for camp this weekend. Pray that hearts will be changed and that everyone would learn what God has to teach them.

John 20:11-18

2006-01-08T16:01:00.000-06:00

"Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father."-John 20:17

This was the passage that Rob Bell taught on from a message entitled "How to Lose Your Life". I didn't get up for church this morning but decided to see what Rob Bell had to say. What I took from that message was a ton! The background of that entire passage was this. After Jesus died and rose again Mary Magdalene saw Jesus but didn't recognize him. After she realized it was him she went to grab him and he said "Do not hold on to me...". She wanted things to be the way they were before and Jesus knew that they could not be like that again.

What did I take from this? I realized that I can never have the same relationship with God as I did in High School. I have changed and therefore my relationship with God has changed. One thing that Rob said was "It can't be what it was. But it can be better". Basically you have to lose your life in order to find your life. Rob said that "Our problem is that we refuse to die". I think the coolest part was when he said this. "Jesus says to (insert your name here)- 'You gotta let go. Trust me. Trust me. Trust me'".

After the message Rob gave a benediction to the congregation that I would like to share here.

"May you not have a spirit of fear, a spirit of control, a spirit of manipulation, a spirit of anxiety. But may you be given by the Creator of the Universe a spirit of acceptance, a spirit of peace, a spirit that says I'm ready God, take me to the next place. And may you, in losing your life, in surrenduring to the resurrected Jesus Christ, in denying yourself, in losing your life, may you find it and may it be better than you ever could have imagined and in this may the peace of God be yours."

Me and God

2005-12-28T14:12:00.000-06:00

It's funny how God surprises us sometimes. Just when we least expect it he throws a curveball at us. I bet he laughs and smiles at our reactions. Ahhh Jesus laughing. I wish I could post that picture on here. Maybe I'll find a way sometime.

I think God and I are going to have a good next year. Because we all know that my relationship with him hasn't been great for the past few years. There are a lot of changes that I want to make and some may come more easily than others but I'm up for the challenge. I need and want to be real with God and I want to grow so much. I know that these past few years have been a little rocky but through them all God has stood beside me. He has carried me when I could not walk. He has provided people in my life to challenge and change me. He has been my refuge. He has provided for me and my family. He has always been there for me. It is I that have turned away because of shame and guilt and frustration and anger. I forget sometimes how HUGE God is and how little I am. One of my friends told me to get angry and shout at God if that's what it takes. He reminded me that God can take it...

Have a Happy New Year!!!

The Top 8 quiz

2005-12-07T23:55:00.000-06:00

Today I saw a post from one of my friends on Myspace (yes I've gotten sucked in too...) There was this quiz called the top 8. Basically you list your top 8 friends and then throughout the quiz it will ask you questions like how did you meet number 4? And so on... One of the questions stated "If you could give everyone a present on your top 8, what would it be?" You know what this wonderful person put for my gift? A conversation with Laurie. What a perfect gift that would be. To just have one last conversation with her. To hug her one last time. To hear her call me beautiful one last time. To have a drink and a smoke with her one last time.

A few weeks back my counselor asked me a similar question. If I could have just a few moments with Laur what would I say? My reply...I have no idea...just that I love her....

2005-12-01T13:38:00.000-06:00

There's nothing I like more than waking up in my nice warm bed and feeling the cold air around me. I am one of the few people out there that love winter. I love the snow especially when I have to use my 4-wheel drive. I love how peaceful and beautiful the world is at night after a snow fall. I love snuggling deep into my flannel sheets and blankets and just hiding away.

For as much as I love winter and the holidays, I'm not really ready to deal with it all. I received an email from a friend last week asking how I was doing and her telling me that she knew it would be hard for me this year without having my little Laur around. It was at that point that I cried for a minute and realized that this Christmas would be different. This Christmas will be harder. This Christmas will not be the same as last year.

Counseling is going...well it's going... I realized that I have a lot more issues than I thought and that I'm dealing with a lot more than just Laurie's death. In fact the last few weeks has been about me and my life and choices that I've been making. I have a lot of "me" issues to deal with and a lot of stuff that I need to change in my life. It's just making those changes that is sometimes the hard part.

Last week was a good week. I was able to hang out with friends until the wee hours of the morning and it was just good to be surrounded by laughter and good conversations. I started off this week by goin out bowling and coming home and having a late night conversation with Kim. I love that girl soooo much and I love when we can just talk and talk and talk even though she has a paper to do and needs to get some type of sleep.

Well I think that's all for now. I'm sorry it's been a month... I hope all is well and that you are enjoying this holiday season that has jumped upon us!

Interesting

2005-11-01T12:53:00.000-06:00

"Revealing our feelings is the beginning of healing. Articulating what's on our heart, confessing our mistakes is the first step in seeing that God can forgive those mistakes and all others".

Wow...wish I would have read this yesterday before my session...but I guess it's better that I read it today. Yesterday I think I had a counseling hangover. I was just sad all day...felt like crap all day...was totally out of it at work...and today...I just want to stay in bed and watch tv and be a vegetable.

It's hard for me to open up about Laurie and how I feel about everything cause for as much as I thought I processed things I'm really just beginning. I know that what I'm doing is right and that in the long run things will get better. It's just getting there that's the hard part...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEIDI!!!

2005-11-01T12:43:00.000-06:00

Today is Heidi's 30th Birthday!! Saturday was the birthday/halloween costume party...I was dressed as Cinderella. Heidi even did up a blonde wig for me which looked incredible!! For some pictures go to Mandy's or Aunt Barb's blog. In the first pic on Mandy's I am the shimmery blue thing standing to the right. We really did have a fun time on Saturday. I hope that Heidi enjoyed herself cause I know I did!!

To my Heidi-kins...I hope you have a wonderful birthday and that all your wishes and dreams come true...I love you bunches!!!

Shrinking my head to music

2005-10-14T16:18:00.000-05:00

OK so I've been tagged by 4 people now...I guess I'll do this thing and get it over with. I love music so much that it's hard to only pick 5 songs. And I think this things has run it's course so I'm not tagging anyone!

THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. Post these instructions, the artists, and the songs in your blog. Then tag five other friends to see what they're listening to.

1. "Savin Me" by Nickelback
2. "Restored" by Jeremy Camp
3. "The Hard Way" by Keith Urban
4. "Trouble" by Ray LaMontagne
5. "Photograph" by Nickelback or "You'll think of me" by Keith Urban

Like I said before I love music sooo much!! It's so hard to pick just 5 songs.

Shrinking my head? What's up with that? So this past weekend I had the extreme pleasure of going back to ISU for Homecoming! Basically just an excuse to get drunk and act stupid...hey I'll take it! My cousin Riggs (Julie) let Rob and me stay with her which was great!! Both nights however I had my fun and then had a major meltdown. So much so that Riggs is still very concerned about my well being. On the way home I realized that after 7 months of trying to be strong and trying not to be emotional, that it just isn't working anymore. I made a call to Willow's counseling referral people and they gave me some names. I made the call yesterday to set up an appointment. At first this was not something I wanted everyone to know about. But I realized that I don't need to hide what I'm going through. Of the people I've told, all have been supportive and I know that this is what I need. I'm just totally dreading that first appointment. I told one friend that it was one of the hardest calls I've had to make. I know this won't be easy but I can't expect my friends to take away the pain. Thank you to everyone who has sat with me while I cried and rambled on about anything and everything. I love you dearly!!

Missing Laur, Megan and Mexico

2005-10-06T16:43:00.000-05:00

So today I was in bloodbank just hanging around waiting for some stuff to stop spinning and I started cracking my knuckles. Nothing out of the ordinary for me. But then I was trying to crack my thumbs and couldn't. Then I remembered who tried to teach me how to crack them...Laurie...I remember her sitting with my hand in hers, her trying to be so gentle and then CRACK! And my response being somewhat inappropriate. Much profanity and her just laughing and me saying OK now do the other one...and the profanity continued...she can't do that anymore for me. She can't be here to laugh at me (or with me) she can't be here to hug me and say "Awww I love you Stephanie". That's all I wanna say about that...

On another note, in August I received a letter from the orphanage in Mexico telling me that the child I sponsored was leaving to be with his mother. I was upset that I didn't get the chance to give him one last hug but I am sure happy that God put little Jose Luis in my life. Today I received a letter telling me about the new child I will be sponsoring. She's 7 years old and soo stinkin cute!! I can't wait to meet her and give her a big hug!! Her name is Yiria although I'm not quite sure on the pronunciation. And this makes me happy and sad. Happy because I love the orphanage and all the children there. Sad because I miss Megan (that lucky duck gets to live there) and I miss being there. Even though it was hard being there, that is where I experienced God's love to the fullest. I miss that.

Good weekends

2005-10-01T12:49:00.000-05:00

I know I know...I haven't been too good about updating daily, weekly, sometimes monthly...I'm sorry...

What's new in my life? I start PM's in about 3 weeks at which time I think (and hope) that things will get better. I've already been told that I will enjoy this shift better because of the crew. I'm excited and can't wait! I have to do a week more in Hemo/Bloodbank because I'm not up to par on the speediness.

Last weekend was good. I went to dinner with my Jamie girl and got to hang out with my girls Jen and Jamie afterwards. Later we met up with Jen's bf Matt's friends and had a blast! Saturday afternoon we all continued to hang out and then went our separate ways only to meet up at Mike's later on in the city. It's funny how some people you meet you just click with. All of the guys we were with are just a fun group of guys. They like to laugh and drink and just be goofy. I did however have a break down before bed and found out that I'm not alone in my grief of suicide. I'm so glad that God has put me where I'm at. I may not be great with going to church or reading my Bible but for once I feel that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

Today Mishy and I will be going up to visit Kim!! How excited am I?!?! I can't wait to see that girl and give her a huge hug!! Especially after I broke down on Sunday night and she had to talk and listen to my sobbing for an hour :-P I don't know what I'd do without my friends. They are people in my life that I need to survive the madness of this world.

Love Steph

A little heart to heart

2005-09-08T21:04:00.000-05:00

It's been a busy day...actually since I started my new job life has just gotten hectic. I don't seem to know where the day goes, where the week goes and where time goes in general. Today I got to have some good talks with people.

In one conversation my words were as simple as this: "be cautious on the road you're traveling on...it brings much heartache and regret" and later on " I only want the best for you because that's all you deserve". After having that conversation I realized how messed up my life was last year at school. From last May(2004) until we'll say the end of February, my life was in a downward spiral. After Laurie passed away, I started to get reconnected with God. I realized that I made some pretty stupid choices in that time frame and left myself open for a lot of pain. Some pain I'm still not over and some things still haunt me. For this reason, the mere fact that I've been there, I've done that, I worry about my friends and family, about the choices they make and about the situations they may get themselves into. And all I can do is pray for their safety and be there to take out anyone who hurts them. God watched over me and protected me and watched me screw up time and time again. In fact He's still watching over me and watching me screw up time and time again. God's grace will never cease to amaze me.

My comment to my friend about only wanting the best because that's all they deserve reminds me of God. He only wants the best for us. And yet for some reason, we only want crap for ourselves. I only recently decided that I want and deserve the best for me. For so long I have struggled with this. Somewhere along the road of pain, I began to believe a lie (from Satan) that I don't deserve the best. There have been many times where I have said "oh I don't deserve a great guy, any guy will do". But not anymore. I want the best guy out there. I want the guy that God has planned for me to be with. This new road may be more lonely but at least I know that when the time is right I will get the best that God has planned for me and we will be greatly blessed.

In a later conversation with my cousin Dani, I realized how much I'm growing up and how old we've all gotten. What's up with that? I remember when we were younger and how we would play "Bar" in the basement of our grandparents house. It all seems so long ago. I miss that. My cousin is so wise in so many ways. She was teaching me pointers on how to manage my money. Aren't I supposed to be the older and wiser one here?!? Hahah... We talked about how I should move to Bellingham,WA so that we could split rent and save money. It's an idea that isn't too far fetched. Before going to Harper I had applied at Seattle Pacific University. A Christian college in Seattle. But due to some different reasons I stayed in BG and went along on my merry little way. The times I have been out there to visit I've loved it. It's gorgeous. True, I would miss my family and friends like crazy but me moving out there doesn't mean I wouldn't come back. And when else will I have the freedom to move around and experience life in other places? Please know that this is only an idea and nothing has been cast in stone at all. I would like to know you're feelings on it though. Good or bad...preferably good though... :)

I hope life is treating you kindly and that you find just 5 minutes a day to do something for you!

Forgiveness and Restoration

2005-08-18T20:53:00.000-05:00

Restored

By Jeremy Camp

All this time I've wandered around searching for the things I'll never know
I've been searching for this answer that only will be found in your love
And I feel it
My heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it
Your voice that's shown my purpose in this world
You have restored me from my feeble and broken soul
You have restored me
I've only come to realize my strength will be made perfect at your throne
Laying all reflections down to see the precious beauty that you've shown
And I feel it
My heart is being mended by your touch
And I hear it
Your voice that's shown my purpose in this world

This has become my song of peace and restoration. Friday night we did this thing at camp called "20 minutes". In a brief nutshell it's supposed to be you and God alone in the dark and peace for 20 minutes. Simple enough right? As I sat by a small tree waiting and hoping that God would really just speak to me, I got frustrated. I got on my knees and kept praying and listening. Then all of the sudden it dawned on me. I hadn't forgiven Laurie. Tears gushed out of my eyes and I sobbed quietly. And it was in that moment that God helped me to forgive her and started working in my heart. Yes, I'm still sad she's gone and I still miss her like crazy. But I'm not so furious anymore. God has been restoring my heart. Repairing it and mending it every day. He is so good. He's helping me to be more patient and loving. He's helping me to return to being the child of God he has called me to be. I highly recommend spending just 20 minutes with God. You and Him. No distractions. You'll be surprised at what you learn and what He has to say to you.

May God bring peace to your heart and heal the brokenness inside you.

Quick updates

2005-08-18T19:49:00.000-05:00

So I started my new job at Condell this past Monday and it's going ok. It's hard to "relearn" the other departments when I haven't been in them in so long.

My grandma came home 2 weeks ago and is doing well. Praise God!! Thank you all for your prayers!!

Camp last week was pretty ok. Hard emotionally sometimes, hard only getting 3.5 hrs of sleep a night, challenging by the work we were doing. But I was able to have some really awesome conversations with people during the week and also after. God totally provided the strength we all needed to get through the week.

Well I think that's all the updates for now...have a wonderful week!

Two weeks notice

2005-07-24T11:58:00.000-05:00

Well I did it! I gave my 2 weeks notice on Friday. As of August 5,2005 I will no longer be working at NMH. On August 15 I will be starting at Condell in Libertyville. Of the 3 people I've told at work, all of them are upset and sad to see me go. I've been complimented a lot about how I will be a huge asset to whoever I work for and that I added something to the lab. It makes me kind of sad to go especially when I just started to settle into a routine but I think this change will be good. And if it's not then I can always go back to NMH.

Well I just wanted to do a quick update. I have a ton of things to do today so I best be gettin ready to do those things.

A better day

2005-07-22T01:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday (Thurs) I got to hang out with Aunt Barb. We had some camp things to discuss but mostly we just talked and were able to catch up. I'm so blessed to have Aunt Barb in my life. I can't imagine the pain that she's dealing with. But what I do know is that after hanging out with her I wasn't as mad at Laurie anymore. I know that the grief process takes time really I do. I know there are healthy ways of dealing and not so great ways to deal. I'm still trying to find that happy medium somewhere in between. I, like most everybody, have my good days and my sad ones but lately it just feels like the sad days keep coming. I'm trying to turn things around and to start attending chuch "online" but so far since switching to PMs I haven't had the chance yet. Maybe tomorrow.

Wednesday I got an email from one of my professors saying that she had received a phone call from the HR person at Condell and that things seemed to be on the very positive side and that I should expect an offer within the next few days. Yesterday after work I had a voicemail from the HR person asking me to call her because she had some very exciting things to discuss. I bring this up because I'm going to need some prayer. There are some factors to consider and I have some questions I need to have answered. I need to have a very clear response from God about this.

Last night was very stressful at work. Things just didn't want to go right. I finally got one of the machines up at probably 11pm. That was after working on the stupid thing for 7 hrs and having someone else work on it while I was on break. The second machine was still not up when I left. It was on it's way there though.

Well I know this has been a random posting but I just felt like writin a bit. I hope all is well...

Late night habits

2005-07-21T01:18:00.000-05:00

So I have switched to PMs. Which means I work from 3pm-11:30pm. I don't get home until 12:25am and then I can't fall asleep until usually about 3am. I've been watching a lot of movies and working on camp stuff and finally responding to emails. My days seem to go by quickly which I don't like so much. I'm trying to break the habit of waking up at 10:30am because it really shortens the day.

What else has been going on? My grandma was at a rehab center for a few days and now she's back in the hospital. She will be going to a different nursing home/rehab place soon. My mom and aunt checked it out and it seems pretty nice from what my mom told me.

I have been working on a lot of stuff for camp which I love! Even though at times I feel overwhelmed I know that it's all for God and that He will provide the strength and guidance that I need.

As the days go by I get more angry with Laurie. I don't understand and I know that I never will but it just sucks. I don't know why she just gave up. It just really makes me mad that she did this. I think of her on my way to work usually and then I usually start crying. It just still astounds me that she did this. I guess I'm still in a state of shock and I'm not really sure when I'll come out of it.

Well I suppose I should try to get some sleep.

Thank You

2005-07-06T22:18:00.000-05:00

I cannot thank everyone enough for your thoughts and prayers these past few days! It is in the midst of something like this when I wonder how can anyone not believe that there is a God? My grandma was in ICU from early Saturday morning until yesterday afternoon. Yesterday she was moved to a regular room (next door to where my grandpa was a week earlier:) ) Today my mom brought my grandpa over to see her and as they were walking around the corner out pops my grandma and 2 physical therapists from her room. They already have her walking!! How crazy is that? The surgeon is amazed at how well she's doing. I'm in awe of God. And even though I don't feel completely connected with God right now I still know that in the midst of this, in the midst of everything going on in my life He is there right beside me. Guiding me, protecting me and giving me strength.

Please continue to pray for my grandma's recovery. Please pray for strength, patience, and tender hearts for my mom and my aunt, who have been switching off staying over night with my grandpa. I love my family so much and I don't know what I would do without them. I am so proud of my mom and dad for just doing what needs to be done without much complaining.

On another random note, please pray for me. I'm feeling a lot of things right now and not feeling focused on anything. I have tons of stuff to do and yet I'm getting nothing done. I feel lost and not really sure where I want my life to go and I'm pondering other careers which means more school. Scary considering the fact that I just got out and just got my diploma today...

Please Pray

2005-07-02T08:20:00.000-05:00

Hey All,

I need to ask for some serious prayer once again. Last night my grandma (Nani) had an Abdominal Aortic Anyeursm (a triple A). She had to have emergency surgery which lasted about 3.5 hrs. The surgeon said that recovery will be a very long road. About a week in ICU, a week to 10 days in a regular room and then probably some time in a nursing home facility.

Pray for my grandpa. He's really lost without her.

Pray for my mom and aunts that they would be strong and be able to make clear decisions.

And mostly pray for my grandma that she would stay the stubborn woman that she is and fight! And recover quickly.

And pray for sleep for my entire family. I've been up since 5:15am yesterday and only took a quick nap or two last night. My mom isn't planning on going to bed but she needs to. My dad as well.

I know God will get us through this. It's just going to take some time and trust and patience.

An Update on Life...

2005-07-01T17:54:00.000-05:00

OK....First and foremost I would like to thank everyone who has been praying for me!! The interview went well and I have to go back and do a "Shadowing Interview". I'm still not 100% sure if this is where God wants me but I'm just going to keep waiting patiently.

Second on the list, I would like to Congratulate Chris,Christa, and Hayden and the entire Boncimino/Kovacevich/Templeman family on their newest addition Reece!!

Third on my mind, I had an idea for some posts that I would like to do. For the next few weeks or however long it takes me I would like to write about each person in my immediate family. There's 14 of us plus me (who I won't be writing about). So it may take a while but it's something that I'd like to do.

Fourth note, TC 2005 programming and planning is well underway!! I have taken on some responsibilites which are both challenging and super fun!! I can't wait for camp this year!! If anyone is interested in counseling the week of Teen Camp (Aug 6th-13th) please let me know. Or if anyone is interested in just helping out let me know!! We could sure use it!!

And lastly, this weekend is going to be crazy busy with lots of random and fun things happening. However, tomorrow marks the 8 year anniversary of Aunt Lin's death as well as the 4 month mark of Laurie being gone. What a stinky day!! However, I will be spending it with Mandy and maybe Heidi so that should be good times!!

Floundering in a Box

2005-06-28T18:50:00.000-05:00

So I thought of tonight's title while I was sitting in traffic on the way home from work today. I told my mom last night on the way to visit my grandpa in the hospital that I just feel like I'm floundering. Not really swimming to a destination, not swimming in circles, but just kind of there amidst the craziness. I also have been feeling like I want to take all of my loved ones and put them in a box so that they never grow older and that I always have them by my side. Katie was telling me on Saturday how she wants to put Isaiah in a box...Thanks Kate for making me laugh!!

Once again yesterday I was told not to stay at NMH for a long time and that I should become a nurse. Whaaa? OK then! I got home and quickly glanced through Harper's Nursing Program. Technically it would probably only take me 2 years part time. Mostly because that's where I got my Associates Degree from. Anyways...I'm still contemplating but also remembering that I do have a passion for what I'm doing. Maybe just not at the place I'm at.

Tomorrow at 2pm I will begin the interviewing process at another hospital. It's 10 miles away and 18 min of driving (supposedly). Family, Friends, Random people who may read this, please pray for me tomorrow. Pray that God's will for my life would be known to me. And that I would have courage to give notice at NMH if God wants me at this other hospital.

I will update as soon as something happens. Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers. May God continually lead you as you look to Him.

Catfight

2005-06-12T19:50:00.000-05:00

So last night I went to Grillworks with Jen to hang with her brother during Catfight...(girls boxing with giant gloves) Somehow I ended up getting sucked into fighting. The first round I was up against Jen and had to take it easy on her cause of her accident. She ended up winning. The second round (in which I was supposed to be out) Jen forfeited so I had to take her place. Henry the guy who was running the whole thing told me I could take the girl I was going to be fighting. However, she ended up leaving and I was left to face a drunken bartender. Let's just say that I got demolished. And that's saying it nicely. She was relentless. I got smacked more than a few times directly in the face. What was innocent fun to me quickly became a death match. Scary!! I had fun, but I now need to bulk up and fine tune my skills before next month's match. And some of you may ask "Why did you do this?" There was a winner's prize of $250....you can't tell me you wouldn't have at least tried...and besides if there weren't so many beastly women doing this thing I would have won!!

Happy Birthday Beautiful!!

2005-06-07T22:22:00.000-05:00

HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY La!!

My day started off as usual by getting up before the sun had risen, jumpin in the shower and getting ready for work. As I drove to work I had a worship cd in my car playing and as the songs played I had a bunch of mini-flashbacks. One of the last being of the wake. As I got off at my exit my eyes started to fill up with tears. THIS SUCKS! I came to a stoplight that normally I don't have to stop for. As I sat there listening to music and thinking of you, a butterfly started flying around my car and next to me. Of course this lead me to completely lose it. I got to my parking lot and just sat and listened to the words of the song. I walked to work and couldn't stop thinkin bout you. I was kind of dreading today for a multitude of reasons. One of them being that I had to learn some new machines and the person who was training me isn't real well liked in the lab. But as the day progressed, my co-worker told me stories about her life and gave me some really good advice that I needed to hear. And I, I just listened. Maybe that's all she needed. Was someone to just listen to her.

At the end of my shift I got my things together and walked back to my car. All the while contemplating if I could stop by the lake and be able to get back home in time to play softball at 7:30...I decided to wing it and go to the Planetarium. I found a close parking spot and learned that I stink at parallel parking. I grabbed my jacket, keys, water bottle, and my last 2 remaining cigarettes and walked to the place where you spent your last hours. I sat about a foot away from the edge because it was a little wet. At first I just cried. I'm just missin you girl! Then I began to smoke and cried some more. Just a few minutes later a huge wave came over the barrier and water was suddenly everywhere. I just had to laugh cause I know that you had a hand in gettin me soaked! I sat there for a while more with wet pants and just gazed out into the lake. As I went for my last smoke I realized that it too had gotten wet. I took that as a sign that I shouldn't be smokin anymore. Thanks. I left the lake and was at peace.

I got to softball (I was subbing for a friend) and told Jamie that we would win tonight. "For Laurie...in honor of her birthday!! We have to win!!" Guess what my dear?? We won!! 12-11 close game I know. But we won!! I played in honor of you. In honor of the wonderful friendship we had for 20 years. In honor of being sisters in Christ. In honor of being blessed with having you in my life!

I'm sad that you're not here. That I never got to buy you a legal drink. That I never got to go to a bar with you. But I know that you are rockin in Heaven. Life isn't the same without you in it. I miss you so much but I know that I will see you again. I love you dearly and will see you someday!

Three Months

2005-06-02T22:39:00.000-05:00

Has it been this long already? It's crazy to think that 3 months has quickly and quietly passed me by.

To be truthful and honest, I am still angry. Not at other people that hurt Laurie in various ways but because this was her choice. She made the decision to drive downtown. She made the decision to jump in. I can no longer blame anyone but her. And while this may upset people it's just how I feel. I'm mad at her for taking away our friendship. I'm mad at her for not being here with her neices and nephews. I'm mad at her for not being here with Scott. I'm mad at her for this "choice" she made. I know she wasn't in her right mind but I would love to know what the hell she was thinking and if she even was. Well I suppose that's enough ranting for one night. I could go on about this but I won't...

Things

2005-05-31T20:07:00.000-05:00

Just a couple things I want to talk about...

First off, Sunday I had the very special privilege of attending a Cubs game while sitting on the rooftop of a building on Sheffield. Quite possibly one of the coolest experiences of my life!

Parents of a student at my friend Jamie's school throw a big party for the teachers every year and invite all of them and a guest to come downtown to see a Cubs game on top of one of the buildings they own. There was plenty of free food and drinks for everyone. All we had to do was show up and show our ID's to the bouncer to get in. It was amazing just sitting there watchin the Cubbies play against the Rockies. I couldn't have asked for more. When I was younger I became very attached to the Rockies (mainly because of their team colors) and I didn't care if they won or lost because they had cool colors! So to get to see the Cubs play against them and actually win was so cool! The other cool thing was that the rain held off. A couple of times there were a few sprinkles of rain but all in all it was a wonderful day!

On another note, I need to ask for some prayer. I have entered into my second week of work this week and it's rough. If you are reading this just shoot a prayer up for patience and wisdom for me. Also pray that if God has something better in mind for me that he would provide that opportunity. The drive in the morning isn't bad and it's so cool to see the sun ricocheting against all the buildings. The drive home is pretty bad. Lots of bumper to bumper action and lots of stress added on at the end of an already stressful day. So just pray for my patience through this and that I would get back on track with Him once again...

Sorry for the delay

2005-05-28T16:53:00.000-05:00

OK OK OK I know I've been a lil slackerish lately...I've been a busy girl...

I know you're all wondering how my new job is going. It's going that's for sure. The chemistry lab is constantly busy. No time for sitting around. My day starts at 7am and I don't get un-busy until lunch. After lunch I'm busy until I leave at 3:30pm. And from what I was told at my interview, I will be super busy on 2nd shift.

I don't have anything too profound to say today...but then again do I ever? hahah...I hope everyone has a relaxing and safe holiday weekend!!

Answers

2005-05-16T15:21:00.000-05:00

This is from my little daily calendar...

"Perhaps the reason that God doesn't always give us the answer to the whys of our existence is that he knows we haven't got the capacity to understand the answer. In learning to depend on God, we must accept that we may not know all the answers, but we know who knows the answers."

"You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know thoroughly everything I do." Psalm 139:2-3

I thought this was kind of funny considering the fact that I wanted to determine my purpose in life last week. I just have to keep remembering to trust Him to know what's best for me and my life. I wonder what life will be like a year from now, 6 months from now, a month from now, two weeks from now, and tomorrow. I love that God already knows.

May God wrap his arms around you today!!

Where I'm at

2005-05-13T17:53:00.000-05:00

So the plans for figuring out the purpose for my life didn't so much happen this week. However, it has been a week of healing. I realized a lot of things. Some of them were harder to deal with than others but still good. I've been dealing with Laurie things and other things. I've decided that no matter how much I try to "process" I don't think it's going to help. I can't take a day just to process and move on with my life. It will be an ongoing process as a part of my life. I will not let Laurie's death consume my life. I will have my good days and I will have my bad days. I will not let the sadness consume me. That is no way for me to live.

This has been a pretty relaxing week. It started out with hanging out with Aimee and Eve on Monday night. Taking a trip to Julie Ann's with my parents on Tuesday night. Spending the day with mom, going to Newc and a support group on Wednesday, and having a late night conversation with Kim. Hanging out with Mandy and Andy last night. Going to the park with Aunt Barb and Hayden boy today. All of these little people interactions have made my week. I love spending time with people that I care about, people I can be real with, people I can cry with, people I can laugh with, and people that make my life great!!!

I don't know what God has in store for my life but I know that His plan is much better than mine. I know that He is there to waddle through the crap of life with me. And I know that He puts other people in my life to waddle with me. I thank Him daily for all of my friends and family. I love you all so very much and I hope you know that!!

A new day

2005-05-10T09:38:00.000-05:00

After talking with a friend on the way home last night I realized that the only way to deal with this is to take it head on.

I don't want to have these sad feelings anymore. I want to be happy and remember all the fun times we had together. I want to smile at her memory. I know I will never forget her and I will think of her everyday, but I also know that I will see her again. I need to accept that God's plan for my life is better than my own (even though I think that my plan would be better sometimes).

I was thinking about camp last night. What will it be like this year? Will it be as hard as I'm anticipating? Or will it be good for me to be there? I really can't wait for that week. I'm excited to see what God will do with the campers and staff and me. Which leads me to the next topic...what is my purpose on this earth? That is my goal this week. Although my friend told me that I take too many things on at one time and just need to take things a day at a time...

So for today...I had a plan of just going up to camp or the area of camp and just sittin up there. But I have some things to take care of today mainly throwing stuff out...So I guess my plan will have to wait or maybe be moved to a closer location...we'll see what happens...

May God bring peace to your heart today...

Dealing

2005-05-09T17:20:00.000-05:00

I've done some thinking today and a lot of talking...actually most of my day was spent talking to people...fun for me!! (not for them :-P)

Most of the conversations were pretty good. Some were a little hard to take in but in the end all is well. I'm content with the result of my inquiries...My mind is a little more at ease with some things and others well let's just say that things aren't great in my head...

I guess what I've realized is that being at school was better for me mentally but maybe not emotionally. See while I thought I was dealing with my grief, in reality I wasn't. I was escaping it. I was running away arms flailing about. I've realized that I don't want to deal with the grief or the pain. I just want to run as far away as I possibly can because that way things are better. I don't have to think of the pain that she left me with. I don't have to think about the pain that she left so many others with. I don't have to think about all the memories we won't be able to create. It's honestly so hard for me to look outside my window and see the K's house. It reminds me that she's not there. It reminds me that she has left a gaping hole in my heart. It reminds me that I can never again call her at 2am to get a phone number. It reminds me that she's gone. I know that being here is forcing me to deal with my grief (which I thought I was dealing with) and as I told Aimee today "I don't wanna!!". She didn't think that was such a great plan though...bummer...I wish I could make all the pain in the world go away...but I guess for right now I'll have to try to get rid of mine...

Sorry this is kind of a downer entry...it's just where I'm at...

On a funny note...I totally forgot that I'm graduating this weekend!! HAHAHA...oops!

Happy Mother's Day

2005-05-08T09:14:00.000-05:00

Good Morning and Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful and beautiful moms out there!! You make life complete!! I'd like to thank my mom for being so awesome the past 2 days for helping me clean and move all of my stuff out of my apartment and back home!! Thanks for dancing with me in the car and thanks for your laughter!! I love you mom!! I'd also like to thank all of my pseudo-moms. If you have ever listened to me babble or just given me a hug Thank you!! You are so special to me!!

Next note of business...I am officially back in the town of Buffalo Grove. SO if you live within a 50 mile radius you better wanna hang out with me!! HAHHAHAH! No seriously...I have 15 days before I start my job at Northwestern and I really want to hang out with as many people as time will possibly allow. Also if anyone is interested in escaping for a few days maybe for a mini-road trip, let me know!!

Alright...this lil chickadee needs to get busy with her day...I hope you all are doing well and I better hear from someone soon!!

Two Months

2005-05-02T22:20:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to write so I guess it'll be a letter...

My beautiful girl,

It's been 2 months since you've been gone. I miss you and think about you everyday. I wish you were here to talk to. I wish I could just "come on down" to hang. I wish we could "fry" up some fudge rounds and have them for lunch. I wish we could play Barbie's and run through the sprinkler. I wish I could just have one last hug. I wish we could have just one more day together to talk and to share stories. I'll never forget the times we spent together. I'll always remember your smile. I'll always miss you until I see you again.

Love ya kid

Hope

2005-04-20T17:48:00.000-05:00

So this was what my daily calendar said today:

"If hope dies, we begin to die, don't we? As long as we can keep that candle of hope lit, as long as we can keep that spark of possibility afire, then we can stay strong."

"I find rest in God; only he gives me hope." Psalm 62:5

This makes me think of Aunt Barb and her Hope ring. She has been so strong through this and I'm amazed at her strength. I'm also just amazed at this family that I like to call my own. They have all been so strong and have been such a cool witness to how family should be. Even in the thick darkness they have relied on God to provide strength and know that He is with them. I love each and everyone of them and I hope they know that and that I'm praying for them daily.

Have a wonderful hope-filled day!!

Butterflies

2005-04-18T21:42:00.000-05:00

Today was a little different than I had anticipated.

I envisioned working really hard on my classes and studying really hard for my test. As I spent time with God this morning I learned more about his love for me. I love that God loves me.

After dinner I decided to sit outside and look over the stuff I needed to study. A few minutes after I was sitting there I noticed something flying around but didn't focus on it. Then whatever it was kept flying around so I finally decided to figure out what was going on. As I looked up from my papers, I saw a butterfly land on the ground not more than a few feet away. It was just chillin there and as I stared tearfully in awe of this creation, another butterfly flew down and the both of them flew off together. I turned back to my papers and tried to refocus. However, the one butterfly kept circling around my head and then the 2 would fly around and it almost seemed like they were playing. I quickly finished studying and got 2 journals out. I wrote a letter to Laurie in one and then a pretty long letter to God in the other.

You see, butterflies are my thing. When my life was forever changed about six and a half weeks ago, I wanted nothing more than to know that God was with me (this usually comes in the form of a butterfly for me). I just wanted to see one. But I didn't. I wasn't angry with God for that because I knew that He was with me. And today I guess God just needed to remind me that He loves me and that He longs to be with me. I wanted nothing more than to just spend the day with God today and yet I knew that I had to study for my test and do other meaningless tasks.

Well I just wanted to share my little random story. If you'd like to know more about the butterflies please feel free to ask...I might just tell you a story...

"The Lord has chosen you to be his treasured possession" Deuteronomy 14:2
"Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand" Psalm 73:23

2005-04-17T19:15:00.000-05:00

Pub Crawl 2005...Jackie, Kayla, Jenn, Me and Bri

2005-04-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

Me and Bri dancing to the syphilis song at Mulligan's...the first establishment of the evening...

2005-04-16T23:33:00.000-05:00

The Fam :)

2005-04-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

Aww...don't we look like we're goin to prom?? Me and Philly

Rambling...

2005-04-16T22:46:00.000-05:00

Sorry it's been so long...

Today was my last day at Menards...kind of sad but not really so much. I'm going to miss the people I work with just because it's like a family there. You get to know so much about one another and you get to know everyone's personalities. I'm going to miss that.

Last night I went on a Pub Crawl with a bunch of girls from my major. It was good to just be out and laugh and catch up with people. But then I just didn't feel like being out anymore so I took a friend home and went home myself.

One thing I've been enjoying is my little grill. I like fire...heheh...I also like spending time with my cousin Julie and other people that stop by. I like just sitting on the steps of my apartment watching the food cook and just having time to talk and vent. I like the fact that I can burn the crap out of a piece of meat and yet my cousin and I will sit there gnawing on it until it's all gone just to say that we cooked-out, all the while making jokes about going to burger king and doing everything to get rid of the burnt taste. I'm getting back to my Master Griller status though. The first time out of the gate is usually pretty rough...it gets better with time though right?!? Let's hope so!!

I like waking up early in the morning and seeing the sun coming through. I like hearing the birds chirp and sing. I like the blue skies that God has been providing and the warm days we've received. I like this time of the year.

Ok...enough rambling for one night I think...

Wedding Day!!

2005-04-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

Lots of random stuff to post today...

First off, Happy Birthday to my girl Jamie...I don't know if you read this or not but know that I love you tons and I wish you the best!!

Secondly, I accepted the position as a Medical Technologist in the Chemistry department at Northwestern Memorial Hospital yesterday!! How excited am I??

Thirdly, Today is my brother's wedding!! Congrats Joe and Libby!! I'm so excited to have something to celebrate today.

As I was reading my bible last night I came across this passage.
"Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God." Ephesians 5:1-2

This just reminds me of Laurie. Not in a bad way at all. But just in the fact that she did live a life full of love! How cool?!?

Anyways I hope that you feel God's love for you today and everyday! Know that He is with you always and will never leave your side!

Me grow up?? NEVER!!

2005-04-05T19:32:00.000-05:00

So I know it's crazy for me to post twice in one day but I need some serious prayer...

Today around 5pm I got a call from the hr person at Northwestern. They offered me not one but two (yes count them 2) jobs. One is a 2nd shift bloodbank position and the other is a 2nd shift chemistry position. This is HUGE!! I have to touch base with her by Friday and let her know my decision.

This is where the whole prayer thing comes in...when I left my interview I didn't feel great about the hospital. But now that it's within reach it's a different story. I couldn't ask for a better starting pay and the benefits are pretty stinkin good. It would be nice to go into graduation with a job already lined up. But is this where God wants me to be?

I think I had this idea from working in Streator that I would find a hospital and stay there for 40 years. But really I wasn't looking at it the right way. If I can get some experience from Northwestern and have that on my resume, I don't think I'd have a problem finding another job if I found after a while that I didn't like it there. That's the great thing about working in the medical field...JOB SECURITY...People always get sick...You can count on that!

So if you are reading this, please just pray for me that God would give me clarity and a peace about this if this is where He wants me. And if He doesn't want me there that He would provide another opportunity.

Thanks so much!!

And as a side note...I don't know that I like the idea of having to grow up.

The Coolness that is God

2005-04-05T13:38:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you how cool God is...

God has once again provided for me. He has provided some extra money that I needed to pay some bills and enough that I feel comfortable with the amount I have.

God always provides and you can't tell me He doesn't. He is faithful and never ceases to amaze me. Whether it is monetary, or friendships, or people in my life, God always meets me where I'm at and provides what I need or what I will be needing later.

I glanced ahead to June 7 on my daily calendar and it says this...

"We serve the God who designed the universe and set our world in motion. But those hands that hung the stars in the heavens also wiped away the tears of the widow and the leper. And they will wipe away your tears as well.

"I leave you peace; my peace I give you...So don't let your hearts be troubled or afraid."

John 14:27

And then it hits me...

2005-04-02T22:28:00.000-06:00

So today is April 2, 2005 and I didn't realize this until I was sitting on my bathroom floor after takin a nice bubble bath and started reading some journals.

I put in the Laurie DVDs and started watching the part that was looped throughout the wake. I hadn't watched the entire thing during the wake. And suddenly towards the end there's a slideshow of pics and then it hit me...she's gone...I can't stop crying and the more I try to get rid of the tears the more they keep coming. I called her cell to hear her voice and while I know she's gone, when she said "Hello" my heart started beating so fast and then it hit me again...she's not really there...she's with Jesus...and while that's cool for her...it sucks for the rest of us that have to deal with the pain of her not being here. We have to deal with the thousands of why questions...We have to deal with trying to sort through our feelings...We have to deal with the fact that she's gone and didn't so much as mutter a word about being sad or having thoughts of hurting herself.

What the heck? This is wrong! She was supposed to be here for me, to pray for me, to tell me I'm beautiful, to give me hugs, to order my drink at Starbucks (cause I always screw it up), we were supposed to take a road trip and now she's gone and can't do any of those things for me or with me. That fricken sucks! I'm angry and sad and I'm trying to be joyful because I know that this world was not for her. But I needed her here with me damnit! (sorry)

May God place peace in your heart today...

The Interview

2005-03-31T17:12:00.000-06:00

So today was my interview at Northwestern Hospital in Chicago.

I arrived at the H.R. dept around 10:45am and didn't leave the parking garage to come home until about 2:15pm. It was a pretty long interview. I first had to fill out an application and meet with Ami the hr person. Then she walked me over to the hospital and up to the lab. I met with one of the lab managers for bloodbank and a compliance coordinator. We talked for a bit and they took me on a tour of the bloodbank lab. Then I met with the Chemistry lab manager and another coordinator and we talked for a while and then took a tour of what's called the core lab. This is where the chemistry and hematology machines are. All of it was very interesting and eye-opening. The starting pay is pretty decent but I'm not sure if God really wants me there. We'll see.

Anyways...just wanted to give a quick update...

Have a wonderful day!!

Satan's Thorn

2005-03-30T22:58:00.000-06:00

So Satan decided to stick his big fat thorn in my head today. He's found an "in" that he's used before. However, this time will be different. I will not listen to his crappy advice and I will not lower my standards or myself for him.

He's been telling me I'm not worthy. I'm not worthy of having godly men in my life as friends. I won't ever be worthy of having a godly man to love me whole-heartedly. That I'm worthless and I am just here to be used by people. That I shouldn't expect to ever find someone to love me for who I am.

IT IS CRAP!! IT IS ALL LIES AND I WILL NOT BELIEVE IT!! I WILL NOT LET YOU WIN SATAN!! YOU ARE A JERK AND MANY OTHER EXPLICATIVES AND I WILL NOT LET YOU WIN!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!

OK...now with that being said...let's move on...
I got to spend some time with my mom and Aunt Barb tonight after church and it was great. I got to read a diary that Laur had written back in grade school and it made me laugh. I also got to see a video from our New Year's adventure with the Sullivan's. It made me smile because I know that even though we had a ton of fun skiing that weekend, we were also able to serve God and the manager of the hotel by folding a ton of towels.

Tomorrow is my interview at Northwestern Hospital. I am excited but not really nervous and I feel I should be. But I know that it is in God's hands and that if he wants me there that's where I'll be. His plan for me is much better than the one I have for me :)

For those of you who read this, know that I love you and that I thank God for blessing my life with you!!

May God protect your mind from the evil one. Don't let him have an "in" with you!!

A mistake?

2005-03-29T09:34:00.000-06:00

So this morning when I sat down to spend some time with God, I was supposed to read Revelation 4. So I opened my bible and started reading. When I got to the questions in my devotional I was a little confused but answered them nonetheless. It wasn't until I was looking for my random daily verse that I realized I had spent time reading 1 John 4 and not Revelation 4. For those of you who don't know, the first part of 1 John 4 is about testing the spirits and the second part is about God's love and our love.

I was reading and quickly taken back to Mexico where I truly experienced that God is Love! Verse 10 says "This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins." How amazing is God's love for us? No matter how much we screw up in life he loves us no questions asked. Verse 19 says "We love because he first loved us." I want to lead a life of love and integrity.

So was this a mistake today? NO! I needed to be taken back to Mexico and I needed to read up on how much God loves me. He's my Abba.

May you feel God's undeniable love for you today!!

And as a side note, I'm completely obsessed with Shawn McDonald's cd "Simply Nothing"!!

Surprise!

2005-03-28T21:12:00.000-06:00

So on the way back down to Bloomington-Normal (where I live) my car decides to stop running. Awesome!!

I got out and popped the hood tryin to think of things that could be wrong...I then called my dad to tell him that we were stuck on the side of the road about 115 miles from home and about 35 miles from school...he wasn't too happy but what can ya do? He was more concerned than upset...he didn't want my cousin and I to get hurt while waiting in the car...understandable...

After many phone calls to my dad and brother and Andy, I called the tow truck company and had them come get us. The guy was super nice and showed up only about an hour after I called him. He took us back to Bloomington and we dropped my car at the Chevy dealer. They're supposed to look at it tomorrow morning and call me with an estimate...which I'm expecting to be pretty big...

Just another test in life...it's just funny to me that good things happen and then just as a joke a bad thing happens. Just another reason for me to trust that God is bigger than the boogey man and will take care of me. I told my dad today that I'm handin my life over daily cause really I just don't want to deal with it anymore and I figure that God can take care of it for me instead. He's good like that...

Trusting Him

What to do...

Happy Birthday

Sweetness...

Daddy and Daughter...

2 years...

99 posts and a Valentine's greeting

Simply Perfect...

Birthday Eve

13 weeks...

A long weekend...

Christmas Club Jr.

Hmmm....

Skating on Thick Ice

Tears to Smiles...

(http://forums.adventchildren.net/showthread.php?t=39345)

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Gauley River Trip 2006

Cuddle Time!!!

4 weeks

Welcome to the World Josey!!!

TC 2006 Recap

Some TC Pics

Teen Camp 2006

Good Friends, Good Fun, Good Times....

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Some Pics

Home Sweet Home

Vegas Here Comes Trouble!!!

Happy Belated Birthday Beautiful!

I Passed!!

Music to calm the nerves

Fun Weekend

Teen Camp 2006

Looking Upward

Bleeding Heart

Daffodils

Catching up on learning

Image of the Invisible God

Blah-ness

Resting in God's Presence

Conover

Done with March

Alone Time

Returning to a State of Normal

Committed

A New Day and a New Month

Week of Crap

Growing Up

Who Will Be the Bouncer of My Heart?

-4 degrees of separation

Selfish

Happy Valentine's Day

The Weekend in a Turtleshell

Elephants At Camp?

John 20:11-18

Me and God

The Top 8 quiz

Interesting

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEIDI!!!

Shrinking my head to music

Missing Laur, Megan and Mexico

Good weekends

A little heart to heart

Forgiveness and Restoration

Quick updates

Two weeks notice

A better day

Late night habits

Thank You

Please Pray

An Update on Life...

Floundering in a Box

Catfight

Happy Birthday Beautiful!!

Three Months

Things

Sorry for the delay

Answers

Where I'm at

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