And then it hits me...

So today is April 2, 2005 and I didn't realize this until I was sitting on my bathroom floor after takin a nice bubble bath and started reading some journals.

I put in the Laurie DVDs and started watching the part that was looped throughout the wake. I hadn't watched the entire thing during the wake. And suddenly towards the end there's a slideshow of pics and then it hit me...she's gone...I can't stop crying and the more I try to get rid of the tears the more they keep coming. I called her cell to hear her voice and while I know she's gone, when she said "Hello" my heart started beating so fast and then it hit me again...she's not really there...she's with Jesus...and while that's cool for her...it sucks for the rest of us that have to deal with the pain of her not being here. We have to deal with the thousands of why questions...We have to deal with trying to sort through our feelings...We have to deal with the fact that she's gone and didn't so much as mutter a word about being sad or having thoughts of hurting herself.

What the heck? This is wrong! She was supposed to be here for me, to pray for me, to tell me I'm beautiful, to give me hugs, to order my drink at Starbucks (cause I always screw it up), we were supposed to take a road trip and now she's gone and can't do any of those things for me or with me. That fricken sucks! I'm angry and sad and I'm trying to be joyful because I know that this world was not for her. But I needed her here with me damnit! (sorry)

May God place peace in your heart today...