Dealing

I've done some thinking today and a lot of talking...actually most of my day was spent talking to people...fun for me!! (not for them :-P)

Most of the conversations were pretty good. Some were a little hard to take in but in the end all is well. I'm content with the result of my inquiries...My mind is a little more at ease with some things and others well let's just say that things aren't great in my head...

I guess what I've realized is that being at school was better for me mentally but maybe not emotionally. See while I thought I was dealing with my grief, in reality I wasn't. I was escaping it. I was running away arms flailing about. I've realized that I don't want to deal with the grief or the pain. I just want to run as far away as I possibly can because that way things are better. I don't have to think of the pain that she left me with. I don't have to think about the pain that she left so many others with. I don't have to think about all the memories we won't be able to create. It's honestly so hard for me to look outside my window and see the K's house. It reminds me that she's not there. It reminds me that she has left a gaping hole in my heart. It reminds me that I can never again call her at 2am to get a phone number. It reminds me that she's gone. I know that being here is forcing me to deal with my grief (which I thought I was dealing with) and as I told Aimee today "I don't wanna!!". She didn't think that was such a great plan though...bummer...I wish I could make all the pain in the world go away...but I guess for right now I'll have to try to get rid of mine...

Sorry this is kind of a downer entry...it's just where I'm at...

On a funny note...I totally forgot that I'm graduating this weekend!! HAHAHA...oops!