-4 degrees of separation

Friday night, well early Saturday morning, my compass in my car said that it was -4 degrees out. I had gone out with some friends after work and on my way home was listening to a cd. The song I was listening to is called "For Blue Skies" by Strays Don't Sleep. As I was listening and driving I began to cry. The lyrics that hit me the hardest are in the first few lines of the song.

"It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it"

I was thinking of Laurie and how she's almost been gone for a year now and I just can't get used to her not being here. I've been dealing with issues from her death a lot in the past month but I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by that I don't think of her and that I don't miss her.

For the first time I didn't wipe away the tears. I let them roll down my cold face and felt pain and didn't try to hide it. I felt the hurt and let it out. Something that in this whole process I haven't done well. I spent the majority of my time hiding what I was feeling and putting up a front. I focused on everything but the grief I was feeling. I focused on school, work, camp, friends and all their crazy issues, guys, drinking, smoking and anything else to keep my mind off of Laurie and on something else that wasn't so painful.

I had a lot more to say but I think I'll just keep it at that.
Have a good night