Who Will Be the Bouncer of My Heart?

"Steph you really need to guard your heart." "Guard your heart Steph." "It is time to take control of our lives and guard our hearts so we do not grow sickly and waste away after enduring disappointment after disappointment.".

That last quote came from a book I'm reading by Michelle McKinney Hammond. Another quote that I took away from that book today was this: "Perhaps part of the problem is not knowing who you are or recognizing your value. This, coupled with a healthy dose of not trusting God to give you your heart's desire, is enough to make you settle for anything!"

And now for the dissection of all of this. Last night one of my friends asked how I was doing and what was happening in my life. I told her blank answers and she knew something was up. I told her of my more recent struggles and let downs and that's when she advised me to guard my heart. My response to her was "I tried and I failed...once again". Then today I decided to pick up a book that I had bought last year around this time, but never got the chance to read. I started reading and then there it was....guard your heart. I think it was at that point that I said quite loudly "OK I GET IT!". As I continued to read I came across that last quote. There were a couple of things that kicked me in the head. Not knowing who you are or recognizing your value...hmmm....That's something I should probably figure out. I have never been one to recognize my accomplishments or recognize my talents or recognize the good things about me. Perhaps that is why I have spent a lot of time just looking for guys to fill me up with words and confidence, and then suffer the disappointment when things don't work out. And then the biggest thing. Not trusting God. A good friend pointed this out to me I think last month and my response to him was anger because I wear a ring that says "Trust", so I must trust God, how can anyone say different? But after thinking about it and spending time with God, I realized that I hadn't been trusting Him completely. I had been holding on to things that were out of my control. Camp was a huge trust test and I think I did ok. I still struggle with this daily. But my response to God is getting better.

So after all that dissection, there leaves just one little thing. Who will guard my heart? Who will be the bouncer at the door who says "You're not worthy of her love"? Obviously I haven't been guarding it well or I wouldn't be in the present state of mind. At school it was easier to keep my guard up and there are times that my heart is guarded especially when meeting people for the first time. But this has been the vicious cycle for the past few years: I meet a guy, let my guard down, he challenges me, I begin to change (for the better), I get attached, then things don't work out, and I'm left alone once again with a void that I need to fill. Which leads me to turn to my selfish impulse control problem. Like right now when already I have started to look for a new car. Something I cannot afford but because it's shiny and new it may just take my mind off things (gotta love my coping strategies....). After the part in the cycle where things don't work out, I begin to look for something to fill that void in my heart. Instead of filling it with God and His love, I turn to anything but Him. I turn away and fill the void with shopping, cars, drinking, and back to guys.

OK well I think that's all this girl will write about tonight. And if you feel I'm referring to you please ask me. Chances are it's not about you. One thing I'd like to ask for is prayer. I know that everyone's lives are a little crazy but if you think of it just shoot up a prayer asking God to help me right now. Ask Him to bind Satan from telling me lies, and to consume my life with His love for me. Let His love be enough for me and enough to fill the void so that I don't let my impulses take over.

G'night and God Bless