Things

Just a couple things I want to talk about...

First off, Sunday I had the very special privilege of attending a Cubs game while sitting on the rooftop of a building on Sheffield. Quite possibly one of the coolest experiences of my life!

Parents of a student at my friend Jamie's school throw a big party for the teachers every year and invite all of them and a guest to come downtown to see a Cubs game on top of one of the buildings they own. There was plenty of free food and drinks for everyone. All we had to do was show up and show our ID's to the bouncer to get in. It was amazing just sitting there watchin the Cubbies play against the Rockies. I couldn't have asked for more. When I was younger I became very attached to the Rockies (mainly because of their team colors) and I didn't care if they won or lost because they had cool colors! So to get to see the Cubs play against them and actually win was so cool! The other cool thing was that the rain held off. A couple of times there were a few sprinkles of rain but all in all it was a wonderful day!

On another note, I need to ask for some prayer. I have entered into my second week of work this week and it's rough. If you are reading this just shoot a prayer up for patience and wisdom for me. Also pray that if God has something better in mind for me that he would provide that opportunity. The drive in the morning isn't bad and it's so cool to see the sun ricocheting against all the buildings. The drive home is pretty bad. Lots of bumper to bumper action and lots of stress added on at the end of an already stressful day. So just pray for my patience through this and that I would get back on track with Him once again...

Sorry for the delay

OK OK OK I know I've been a lil slackerish lately...I've been a busy girl...

I know you're all wondering how my new job is going. It's going that's for sure. The chemistry lab is constantly busy. No time for sitting around. My day starts at 7am and I don't get un-busy until lunch. After lunch I'm busy until I leave at 3:30pm. And from what I was told at my interview, I will be super busy on 2nd shift.

I don't have anything too profound to say today...but then again do I ever? hahah...I hope everyone has a relaxing and safe holiday weekend!!

Answers

This is from my little daily calendar...

"Perhaps the reason that God doesn't always give us the answer to the whys of our existence is that he knows we haven't got the capacity to understand the answer. In learning to depend on God, we must accept that we may not know all the answers, but we know who knows the answers."

"You know when I sit down and when I get up. You know my thoughts before I think them. You know where I go and where I lie down. You know thoroughly everything I do." Psalm 139:2-3

I thought this was kind of funny considering the fact that I wanted to determine my purpose in life last week. I just have to keep remembering to trust Him to know what's best for me and my life. I wonder what life will be like a year from now, 6 months from now, a month from now, two weeks from now, and tomorrow. I love that God already knows.

May God wrap his arms around you today!!

Where I'm at

So the plans for figuring out the purpose for my life didn't so much happen this week. However, it has been a week of healing. I realized a lot of things. Some of them were harder to deal with than others but still good. I've been dealing with Laurie things and other things. I've decided that no matter how much I try to "process" I don't think it's going to help. I can't take a day just to process and move on with my life. It will be an ongoing process as a part of my life. I will not let Laurie's death consume my life. I will have my good days and I will have my bad days. I will not let the sadness consume me. That is no way for me to live.

This has been a pretty relaxing week. It started out with hanging out with Aimee and Eve on Monday night. Taking a trip to Julie Ann's with my parents on Tuesday night. Spending the day with mom, going to Newc and a support group on Wednesday, and having a late night conversation with Kim. Hanging out with Mandy and Andy last night. Going to the park with Aunt Barb and Hayden boy today. All of these little people interactions have made my week. I love spending time with people that I care about, people I can be real with, people I can cry with, people I can laugh with, and people that make my life great!!!

I don't know what God has in store for my life but I know that His plan is much better than mine. I know that He is there to waddle through the crap of life with me. And I know that He puts other people in my life to waddle with me. I thank Him daily for all of my friends and family. I love you all so very much and I hope you know that!!

A new day

After talking with a friend on the way home last night I realized that the only way to deal with this is to take it head on.

I don't want to have these sad feelings anymore. I want to be happy and remember all the fun times we had together. I want to smile at her memory. I know I will never forget her and I will think of her everyday, but I also know that I will see her again. I need to accept that God's plan for my life is better than my own (even though I think that my plan would be better sometimes).

I was thinking about camp last night. What will it be like this year? Will it be as hard as I'm anticipating? Or will it be good for me to be there? I really can't wait for that week. I'm excited to see what God will do with the campers and staff and me. Which leads me to the next topic...what is my purpose on this earth? That is my goal this week. Although my friend told me that I take too many things on at one time and just need to take things a day at a time...

So for today...I had a plan of just going up to camp or the area of camp and just sittin up there. But I have some things to take care of today mainly throwing stuff out...So I guess my plan will have to wait or maybe be moved to a closer location...we'll see what happens...

May God bring peace to your heart today...

Dealing

I've done some thinking today and a lot of talking...actually most of my day was spent talking to people...fun for me!! (not for them :-P)

Most of the conversations were pretty good. Some were a little hard to take in but in the end all is well. I'm content with the result of my inquiries...My mind is a little more at ease with some things and others well let's just say that things aren't great in my head...

I guess what I've realized is that being at school was better for me mentally but maybe not emotionally. See while I thought I was dealing with my grief, in reality I wasn't. I was escaping it. I was running away arms flailing about. I've realized that I don't want to deal with the grief or the pain. I just want to run as far away as I possibly can because that way things are better. I don't have to think of the pain that she left me with. I don't have to think about the pain that she left so many others with. I don't have to think about all the memories we won't be able to create. It's honestly so hard for me to look outside my window and see the K's house. It reminds me that she's not there. It reminds me that she has left a gaping hole in my heart. It reminds me that I can never again call her at 2am to get a phone number. It reminds me that she's gone. I know that being here is forcing me to deal with my grief (which I thought I was dealing with) and as I told Aimee today "I don't wanna!!". She didn't think that was such a great plan though...bummer...I wish I could make all the pain in the world go away...but I guess for right now I'll have to try to get rid of mine...

Sorry this is kind of a downer entry...it's just where I'm at...

On a funny note...I totally forgot that I'm graduating this weekend!! HAHAHA...oops!

Happy Mother's Day

Good Morning and Happy Mother's Day to all the wonderful and beautiful moms out there!! You make life complete!! I'd like to thank my mom for being so awesome the past 2 days for helping me clean and move all of my stuff out of my apartment and back home!! Thanks for dancing with me in the car and thanks for your laughter!! I love you mom!! I'd also like to thank all of my pseudo-moms. If you have ever listened to me babble or just given me a hug Thank you!! You are so special to me!!

Next note of business...I am officially back in the town of Buffalo Grove. SO if you live within a 50 mile radius you better wanna hang out with me!! HAHHAHAH! No seriously...I have 15 days before I start my job at Northwestern and I really want to hang out with as many people as time will possibly allow. Also if anyone is interested in escaping for a few days maybe for a mini-road trip, let me know!!

Alright...this lil chickadee needs to get busy with her day...I hope you all are doing well and I better hear from someone soon!!

Two Months

I don't know what to write so I guess it'll be a letter...

My beautiful girl,

It's been 2 months since you've been gone. I miss you and think about you everyday. I wish you were here to talk to. I wish I could just "come on down" to hang. I wish we could "fry" up some fudge rounds and have them for lunch. I wish we could play Barbie's and run through the sprinkler. I wish I could just have one last hug. I wish we could have just one more day together to talk and to share stories. I'll never forget the times we spent together. I'll always remember your smile. I'll always miss you until I see you again.

Love ya kid