Me and God

It's funny how God surprises us sometimes. Just when we least expect it he throws a curveball at us. I bet he laughs and smiles at our reactions. Ahhh Jesus laughing. I wish I could post that picture on here. Maybe I'll find a way sometime.

I think God and I are going to have a good next year. Because we all know that my relationship with him hasn't been great for the past few years. There are a lot of changes that I want to make and some may come more easily than others but I'm up for the challenge. I need and want to be real with God and I want to grow so much. I know that these past few years have been a little rocky but through them all God has stood beside me. He has carried me when I could not walk. He has provided people in my life to challenge and change me. He has been my refuge. He has provided for me and my family. He has always been there for me. It is I that have turned away because of shame and guilt and frustration and anger. I forget sometimes how HUGE God is and how little I am. One of my friends told me to get angry and shout at God if that's what it takes. He reminded me that God can take it...


Have a Happy New Year!!!

The Top 8 quiz

Today I saw a post from one of my friends on Myspace (yes I've gotten sucked in too...) There was this quiz called the top 8. Basically you list your top 8 friends and then throughout the quiz it will ask you questions like how did you meet number 4? And so on... One of the questions stated "If you could give everyone a present on your top 8, what would it be?" You know what this wonderful person put for my gift? A conversation with Laurie. What a perfect gift that would be. To just have one last conversation with her. To hug her one last time. To hear her call me beautiful one last time. To have a drink and a smoke with her one last time.

A few weeks back my counselor asked me a similar question. If I could have just a few moments with Laur what would I say? My reply...I have no idea...just that I love her....

There's nothing I like more than waking up in my nice warm bed and feeling the cold air around me. I am one of the few people out there that love winter. I love the snow especially when I have to use my 4-wheel drive. I love how peaceful and beautiful the world is at night after a snow fall. I love snuggling deep into my flannel sheets and blankets and just hiding away.

For as much as I love winter and the holidays, I'm not really ready to deal with it all. I received an email from a friend last week asking how I was doing and her telling me that she knew it would be hard for me this year without having my little Laur around. It was at that point that I cried for a minute and realized that this Christmas would be different. This Christmas will be harder. This Christmas will not be the same as last year.

Counseling is going...well it's going... I realized that I have a lot more issues than I thought and that I'm dealing with a lot more than just Laurie's death. In fact the last few weeks has been about me and my life and choices that I've been making. I have a lot of "me" issues to deal with and a lot of stuff that I need to change in my life. It's just making those changes that is sometimes the hard part.

Last week was a good week. I was able to hang out with friends until the wee hours of the morning and it was just good to be surrounded by laughter and good conversations. I started off this week by goin out bowling and coming home and having a late night conversation with Kim. I love that girl soooo much and I love when we can just talk and talk and talk even though she has a paper to do and needs to get some type of sleep.

Well I think that's all for now. I'm sorry it's been a month... I hope all is well and that you are enjoying this holiday season that has jumped upon us!