This is the aftermath of the week of crap. I made a lot of phone calls today and got an estimate from the dealer for fixing the dashboard. A lovely $1500-1600 parts and labor for the dashboard only. My camera which was also stolen as well as the 200+ cds are not covered by the insurance because they were not a part of the car. My only hope is this: That the people who did this, would think of me everytime they write a note to someone on the flip flop notepads and feel bad for taking things that were not theirs to take. My other hope is that the police would find who did this and that they would be punished for the crime they committed. 

Week of Crap

Today began the week of crap. It started out pretty ok. The weekend was awesome and hanging out with my friends just makes my heart happy. But today....today was utter crap. I was glad to be able to spend time with my grandparents and to help them out. I became worried at the doctor's office when he said he wanted to admit my grandpa to the hospital to get rid of his infection quicker. But being in the career I'm in, I understood and knew that was the better option. After getting into the E.R. at NWCH, I waited with them for about an hour and a half. Something I totally didn't mind doing. Then I had to leave and get ready for work. I hated to leave my grandparents just waiting for a bed. But they understood. I got to work and around 10pm called my mom to see how things were going. After hearing that the pharmacy took 5 hrs to get my grandpa some ointment, I started to get a little uneasy and thought about our patients at the hospital. Wondering if that would happen at my hospital.

11:15pm rolled around and I finally clocked out and got ready to leave. As I was walking out to my car with Tammy, I looked and said "Is my window broken?". As we approached my car slowly and carefully, I soon realized that my beloved baby had been broken into. The passenger window had a huge whole in it and as I peered in, I saw that my stereo, a birthday present from my brother, was gone. My dashboard torn apart, and everything that I had in my car and in the glove boxes was strewn about. My heart broke at that moment and so did my patience. I couldn't get ahold of our security so I called 911. A kind Libertyville police officer arrived and we looked at the damage being careful to not touch anything. He called the CSI guy to see if they could pull any prints. But no luck there because all the prints were smudged. And most of them were probably from passengers that I know. As I watched the two officers take pictures of the damage, I got out and was allowed to open the doors to check for more missing items. The thing that put me over the edge was that my cd case that holds about 200+ cds was gone. I opened the tailgate to find that the boxes that I had from camp were gone. One of the boxes contained some prizes that didn't get used at camp, like the flip flop notepads. But they left my blankets and the legos, my GAP scarf, my turtle, and sombrero. How kind of them. I am still in shock and just feeling overwhelmed and saddened by the whole scenerio. I don't know how much this will cost but knowing that all my cds are gone breaks my heart. I love music. It spurs me on and keeps me going. Music is always on my mind and in my heart. I typically don't burn cds unless it's a mix, and knowing that I have had such a huge investment literally ripped from my hands hurts. Knowing that all the mixes I had are gone makes me sad. Knowing that no one saw this happening makes me sad. Knowing that our security guards were watching a psych patient all night and not roaming the parking lots like they should be pisses me off. One of the first few phone calls I will make tomorrow will be to the head of security at the hospital. And he will get an ear-full from me. The security guards couldn't even give the officer an estimate as to when the last time they drove by my car was.

So going into this week is sad enough as it is. Knowing and recounting last year at this time every day. Remembering how excited I was to be going to Mexico to help Megan move down, only to realize that there was no way I could leave under the circumstances. And remembering the phone calls I made and received and just the lack of control and panic. And then pain. Thursday (pending that my car is fixed), I will spend the morning at the place where my friend spent her last moments of life. I will do this in solitude and just grieve. Then this weekend I will be with Kim in Michigan. Hopefully helping her find a place to live and just being with her. Honestly, if I could go there for a few more days I totally would. Just to be there for her and to let her know she is not alone, and is not meant to be alone in this world. We were created to live in community, to be there for one another, to love and cherish the time we spend together, and sometimes we all take that time for granted.

Growing Up

For those of you who know me....you know I will never fully grow up. I will always be a kid at heart and I don't see anything wrong with it!! Lately (maybe within the last year or more), I have been feeling that I'm letting life pass me by. I mean shoot I just graduated in May which now seems like a distant memory...That sucks! I'm already on job number 2 and I just started my career life....Weird....Anyways getting back to my whole reason for writing...I've been doing some thinking and reading and I've realized that I feel old. I feel like I grew up too fast and that I didn't have time to be that rebellious, reckless, stupid teenager. But then again, would that have changed me or the person I am today? Probably not. I had my chances to be stupid and reckless and I took some of those times and ran with them. I guess I'm just past that phase. I guess I just miss that. Now, I have some responsibilities that keep me from staying out all night like work the next afternoon. But when I was at school if I didn't feel like going to work, I would just have to call in and make an excuse. I can't really do that now.

One thing I have been talking about with people is my timeline. I had my life pretty well planned out in the love department. Funny how that always falls through. I look back to 6 years ago when I met my first love. And I look at my life now and think...we would have been married and divorced by now. He wasn't the right fit for me. He wasn't able to love me the way I needed to be. And that's ok. In reading this one book I realized that there is someone that God has planned for me and made specifically tailored, just for me. How cool is that? And I have been created for that one man. I just haven't found him yet. I read today in Song of Songs this "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires". That verse is repeated a few times throughout that book. It really just kicked me in the head. I just need to be patient and wait until God has prepared us both for each other. I know there's a lot I need to work on and change in my life...so until then I will be content in the wonderful single life I'm leading and enjoy the time that I have to spend with my friends and family.

Have a wonderful sun shiny day!!!

Who Will Be the Bouncer of My Heart?

"Steph you really need to guard your heart." "Guard your heart Steph." "It is time to take control of our lives and guard our hearts so we do not grow sickly and waste away after enduring disappointment after disappointment.".

That last quote came from a book I'm reading by Michelle McKinney Hammond. Another quote that I took away from that book today was this: "Perhaps part of the problem is not knowing who you are or recognizing your value. This, coupled with a healthy dose of not trusting God to give you your heart's desire, is enough to make you settle for anything!"

And now for the dissection of all of this. Last night one of my friends asked how I was doing and what was happening in my life. I told her blank answers and she knew something was up. I told her of my more recent struggles and let downs and that's when she advised me to guard my heart. My response to her was "I tried and I failed...once again". Then today I decided to pick up a book that I had bought last year around this time, but never got the chance to read. I started reading and then there it was....guard your heart. I think it was at that point that I said quite loudly "OK I GET IT!". As I continued to read I came across that last quote. There were a couple of things that kicked me in the head. Not knowing who you are or recognizing your value...hmmm....That's something I should probably figure out. I have never been one to recognize my accomplishments or recognize my talents or recognize the good things about me. Perhaps that is why I have spent a lot of time just looking for guys to fill me up with words and confidence, and then suffer the disappointment when things don't work out. And then the biggest thing. Not trusting God. A good friend pointed this out to me I think last month and my response to him was anger because I wear a ring that says "Trust", so I must trust God, how can anyone say different? But after thinking about it and spending time with God, I realized that I hadn't been trusting Him completely. I had been holding on to things that were out of my control. Camp was a huge trust test and I think I did ok. I still struggle with this daily. But my response to God is getting better.

So after all that dissection, there leaves just one little thing. Who will guard my heart? Who will be the bouncer at the door who says "You're not worthy of her love"? Obviously I haven't been guarding it well or I wouldn't be in the present state of mind. At school it was easier to keep my guard up and there are times that my heart is guarded especially when meeting people for the first time. But this has been the vicious cycle for the past few years: I meet a guy, let my guard down, he challenges me, I begin to change (for the better), I get attached, then things don't work out, and I'm left alone once again with a void that I need to fill. Which leads me to turn to my selfish impulse control problem. Like right now when already I have started to look for a new car. Something I cannot afford but because it's shiny and new it may just take my mind off things (gotta love my coping strategies....). After the part in the cycle where things don't work out, I begin to look for something to fill that void in my heart. Instead of filling it with God and His love, I turn to anything but Him. I turn away and fill the void with shopping, cars, drinking, and back to guys.

OK well I think that's all this girl will write about tonight. And if you feel I'm referring to you please ask me. Chances are it's not about you. One thing I'd like to ask for is prayer. I know that everyone's lives are a little crazy but if you think of it just shoot up a prayer asking God to help me right now. Ask Him to bind Satan from telling me lies, and to consume my life with His love for me. Let His love be enough for me and enough to fill the void so that I don't let my impulses take over.

G'night and God Bless

-4 degrees of separation

Friday night, well early Saturday morning, my compass in my car said that it was -4 degrees out. I had gone out with some friends after work and on my way home was listening to a cd. The song I was listening to is called "For Blue Skies" by Strays Don't Sleep. As I was listening and driving I began to cry. The lyrics that hit me the hardest are in the first few lines of the song.

"It’s been a long year
Since we last spoke
How’s your halo?
Just between you and I
You and me and the satellites
I never believed you
I only wanted to
Before all of this
What did I miss?
Do you ever get homesick?
I can’t get used to it
I can’t get used to it
I’ll never get used to it
I’ll never get used to it"

I was thinking of Laurie and how she's almost been gone for a year now and I just can't get used to her not being here. I've been dealing with issues from her death a lot in the past month but I don't think there will ever be a day that goes by that I don't think of her and that I don't miss her.

For the first time I didn't wipe away the tears. I let them roll down my cold face and felt pain and didn't try to hide it. I felt the hurt and let it out. Something that in this whole process I haven't done well. I spent the majority of my time hiding what I was feeling and putting up a front. I focused on everything but the grief I was feeling. I focused on school, work, camp, friends and all their crazy issues, guys, drinking, smoking and anything else to keep my mind off of Laurie and on something else that wasn't so painful.

I had a lot more to say but I think I'll just keep it at that.
Have a good night

Selfish

I've been a very busy girl at work these past few days only because I've been in Hematology (a department I dislike the most). Even in those crazy moments though I've been doing some thinking. I came to the realization today that we are a bunch of selfish little people. I'm not talking about certain people. I'm talking about each and everyone of us. As a society we are selfish.

Guys play little mind games with girls to get what they want. And in return girls play games with guys either in retaliation or in order to get what they want. No matter how hard I try to deny that I've been the mastermind behind some games, I have to admit that I too am guilty. I was quickly reminded of a particular instance today by someone. However, in my state of denial (only because I wanted to be right) I realized that I played a game and won but then ended up losing in the end. No matter how hard we try to not play games with people's minds, it always ends up happening in one way or another. Why? Because we are selfish and want all of our desires to be met. We know just what to say or just what to do or just what to wear to attain our goal. Go to any bar or club or for that matter a restaurant and just people watch. Watch the way they talk or look at other people. Watch the way guys glance at a pretty woman just to make their date jealous. Watch the way women act at a club, particularly on the dance floor. They are in a state of "Look at me. Watch me. Desire me". You can see it in their eyes, the way their body moves, and the way they look when they know someone is watching.

I'm by no means saying that I've never taken part in these situations. In fact I will venture to say that I've been in a lot of them and will probably get into them again. This was just a little rambling about what I think about at work. There may have been some other influences too but for the most part just me thinkin outloud. OK I lied there were a lot of other influences to this little rambling. I know there is so much more I could go into but for now I'll leave it at that. Maybe this will become a series on selfishness and what we can do to stop it.

Have a wonderful day/night

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day!!

I would like to post something that I received from my mom on Valentine's Day of 1997. It was from a Max Lucado day calendar that she had.

"I hope you receive a rose or a special card from that special person today. If you didn't and don't expect to, remember that the one who loves you most has already sent you his very best!"

1 John 4:10 "This is what real love is: It is not our love for God; it is God's love for us in sending his Son to be the way to take away our sins."

I hope you all have a wonderful Valentine's Day!!

The Weekend in a Turtleshell

There's so much I want to say and yet so much that I shouldn't or don't want to say. This past weekend was camp. I counseled for 6 amazing girls and I'll admit that I enjoyed it. I don't know if doing a whole week would work for me but for the weekend it was good. The only thing I regret is not being able to spend more time with them. See while I was counseling I was also still doing programming stuff. Programming is challenging and time-consuming in itself. Tack on counseling and you have yourself one tired Steph.

It was weird to be at camp without Laurie. It was weird to do B-I-N-G-O without hearing her shout sarcasm through the microphone. It was weird to drive up there by myself on the same roads that she and I took just a year ago together. It was weird to be up there and be in a totally different role than I'm used to.

One thing I enjoy the most is spending time with people. I got to hang out with the normal programming crew (Chris, Phil, Amy, Jeff, Steve, Pudy, Andy, Jake, Cindy) and also with the mini-Force (Jackie, Lydia, Steve Web) and I got to spend time with some others (Amanda, Rachel, Ellen, Heidi, Mom and Dad, and I'm sure I missed a lot of other people). One of the coolest times I had was with Amanda. She and I went "off site" for a bit and just shared our hearts. I love that girl so much and wish that she was closer than Florida. But I know that that is where she needs to be right now. Another cool moment was with Jackie and Lydia. The three of us ran to Starbucks (of course) and I just shared what had been going on in my life since Teen Camp. I told them of "the breakdown" and going to counseling and my complete 180 that I've done since then end of December. And they just listened.

I love camp and as much as I sometimes gripe about the goofy program stuff that I have to get done, I love it. I learn something everytime I go up there. And I just love hanging out with people and gettting to know them and their hearts a little more each time we hang out. Thank you to all of those people that hung out with me this past weekend...

God Bless...

Elephants At Camp?

After a little bit of drinking last night I was in a restless sleep. I woke up more than a few times which is pretty abnormal for me. The last dream I had was about being downtown. Only it didn't look anything like downtown Chicago. It looked more like Windsor Canada. Just with more roads and things like that. I was on this trolley and we were at a stoplight when out of this weird pond thing comes this elephant. Not a huge elephant but still an elephant walking out of a pond and down the street. After remembering this morning what I dreamt about I decided to consult one of my fun websites...dreammoods.com. The dream dictionary says this about seeing an elephant in your dream: "To see an elephant in your dream, suggests that you either need to be more patient and understanding of others." After reading that I thought hmmm...that's probably true right about now. But the fact of the matter is that I don't think I will understand this. There are a lot of things I do understand and things that I thought I didn't but realized that I understood too much. But this...this I will not understand. Sorry for being so vague with the details.

On other news...I will be counseling for a group of girls this weekend at Winter Weekend '06! Yes, me counseling...after a few hours of freak out time and some conversations I realized that this is a huge step for me. Because I can't control what will happen or what will be said, I just have to rely and trust that God will be with me in those moments. Please be praying for camp this weekend. Pray that hearts will be changed and that everyone would learn what God has to teach them.